quadrod

i don't consider myself a jealous person... but i find myself completely envious at the moment. of what or who, i won't say, but it makes feel like i'm getting payback for all the shit i've done. i probably deserve it. i do deserve it.
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i have to admit, i like the idea of this journal a lot. not for the idea that someone will read it and find me interesting... i don't really care if anyone reads this... i've never kept any kind of journal before, i think it will help me organize my thoughts.
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i'm so tired right now. i'm so fed up with people. i'm so fed up with everything. finding someone i'm not annoyed with is completely impossible. i have a crappy job with insanely crappy hours, and i think me being so tired is making me miserable and no fun to hang around.
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33 and i've made a life changing decision.. chris says it happens to everyone at 32/33. fuck, i hate to think i broke up my marriage because it happens at 33..... fuck that. i want to know i did it because it's better for both of us in the long run.
and i feel like such an asshole for doing it... but... she is on a date tonight... maybe i'm feeling this for nothing.
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i'm in love with the idea of love. but i'm not quite sure i can give love... no thats not true. i can. i can completely give it. i just feel really cold at the moment.