An open letter from me to women:
The main obstacle between myself and a meaningful, or even just purely physical, relationship right now is the fact that every woman, especially those whom I befriend - or, as is the case here, see naked pictures of - embodies of all the good in life that will forever be denied to me by my past actions and my current behavioral patterns that I am unable or unwilling to alter.
I do not whine. I do not want sympathy dates or mercy fucks. I respect and support the more mature less predatory mental health practitioners in the idea that there are people and medicines out there that could perhaps play a supportive role, but in the end my problems can only be truly solved by me.
More and more though it seems I am Bruce Wayne with regards to the line from Dark Knight in which Rachel says, "Don't make me your only hope for a normal life." in that it will take an extraordinary amount of effort and vision from a member of the female sex to bring me out of this funk for which I cannot find a suitable metaphor. It isn't really a hole or vast amount of darkness, or even one of those standing by the side of the road watching life go by things. It is more like I was sick and missed a week of class, but it was the week in which they went over everything of long-lasting consequence. Or maybe better is that it is a game like Simon Says which requires certain behaviors at certain times, and I'm not playing it correctly because I don't know the rules well enough, but everyone else assumes it's just because I don't care to.
I like positive psychology in theory. Focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses is a good way to go about life in macro terms, but there are points where a specific set of skills will be necessary, and if you don't have them that area needs to be a focus. Yes, I have strengths and they are good and plentiful enough and occasionally well-honed, but, to make a sports metaphor, all the football, soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey, golf, bowling, hurtling, or table tennis knowledge and talent won't do you a damn fuck shit worth of good in the two hundred meter butterfly.
So women of the world listen up. I worship you. If it ever seems otherwise I sincerely apologize but it is because I do not know how to be sufficiently flattering without sounding disingenuous, and I have much too much respect for you to dote. I try so hard to respect personal boundaries that I come across as having no feelings of closeness whatsoever. And I may seem so self-absorbed that instead of telling anyone this directly I write it down in the hope that someone stumbles onto it, but that stems from the deep-seeded fear that no one will really care or that I will unintentionally burden another person with my problems.
I know some parts of society say that women are meant to be wooed and pursued, but some of us just don't know how to chase.
End Letter.
Post Script: Yes, this letter is very gender and sex specific. I do not apologize. I believe that a person's worth has absolutely nothing to do with his or her sexual or gender orientation, it just happens that I am definitively heterosexual.
The funny part is, I don't really have a fear of rejection. Rejection I can live with. I have a fear of embarrassment.
I had a sad thought the other day. I think the reason the physical qualities I tend to cherish most in a woman are shoulders, back, and ass is because those are the only parts I ever see; fronts of women are completely denied to me without being obviously creepy and/or harassing.
The main obstacle between myself and a meaningful, or even just purely physical, relationship right now is the fact that every woman, especially those whom I befriend - or, as is the case here, see naked pictures of - embodies of all the good in life that will forever be denied to me by my past actions and my current behavioral patterns that I am unable or unwilling to alter.
I do not whine. I do not want sympathy dates or mercy fucks. I respect and support the more mature less predatory mental health practitioners in the idea that there are people and medicines out there that could perhaps play a supportive role, but in the end my problems can only be truly solved by me.
More and more though it seems I am Bruce Wayne with regards to the line from Dark Knight in which Rachel says, "Don't make me your only hope for a normal life." in that it will take an extraordinary amount of effort and vision from a member of the female sex to bring me out of this funk for which I cannot find a suitable metaphor. It isn't really a hole or vast amount of darkness, or even one of those standing by the side of the road watching life go by things. It is more like I was sick and missed a week of class, but it was the week in which they went over everything of long-lasting consequence. Or maybe better is that it is a game like Simon Says which requires certain behaviors at certain times, and I'm not playing it correctly because I don't know the rules well enough, but everyone else assumes it's just because I don't care to.
I like positive psychology in theory. Focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses is a good way to go about life in macro terms, but there are points where a specific set of skills will be necessary, and if you don't have them that area needs to be a focus. Yes, I have strengths and they are good and plentiful enough and occasionally well-honed, but, to make a sports metaphor, all the football, soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey, golf, bowling, hurtling, or table tennis knowledge and talent won't do you a damn fuck shit worth of good in the two hundred meter butterfly.
So women of the world listen up. I worship you. If it ever seems otherwise I sincerely apologize but it is because I do not know how to be sufficiently flattering without sounding disingenuous, and I have much too much respect for you to dote. I try so hard to respect personal boundaries that I come across as having no feelings of closeness whatsoever. And I may seem so self-absorbed that instead of telling anyone this directly I write it down in the hope that someone stumbles onto it, but that stems from the deep-seeded fear that no one will really care or that I will unintentionally burden another person with my problems.
I know some parts of society say that women are meant to be wooed and pursued, but some of us just don't know how to chase.
End Letter.
Post Script: Yes, this letter is very gender and sex specific. I do not apologize. I believe that a person's worth has absolutely nothing to do with his or her sexual or gender orientation, it just happens that I am definitively heterosexual.
The funny part is, I don't really have a fear of rejection. Rejection I can live with. I have a fear of embarrassment.
I had a sad thought the other day. I think the reason the physical qualities I tend to cherish most in a woman are shoulders, back, and ass is because those are the only parts I ever see; fronts of women are completely denied to me without being obviously creepy and/or harassing.
pyrhhus:
You know, this is pretty decent writing and it certainly conveys my feelings as clearly as I understand them. Some would say this kind of self-awareness is good, and it is, but knowledge is only half the battle, and despite what the G.I. Joes might imply, knowledge is the easy half.
pyrhhus:
The other interesting note is that I did this stone sober. Usually it takes a certain amount of intoxication for these sort of things to come up to the point I feel compelled to jot them down. I must have had an unsettling evening. Oh wait, every evening is unsettling, I just exited this one with enough energy and motivation to write about it. And then write about writing about it. Right, I'm done now.