@Marceline Thanks again for sharing your epiphany and life revelation with everyone here. I caught your last blog on the front page and after I read it and slept on it I've had a few things bouncing around my head in response that I want to share.
Serious depression is definitely a bitch, it's taken me about a decade to crawl out of that unfeeling hole and I expect it'll always be stalking me. Possibly in part because I don't take anything for it, not to knock anyone that does. Me personally, I just don't really trust anything that can mess with my head that much. Depression is a naturally occurring process and part of how we deal with loss (search for the 'stages of loss giraffe' on youtube, short sweet and funny). It's not meant to be a rut we get stuck in. The human body is a very amazing thing. If we take care if it right, eat healthy, exercise and basically give it what it needs it can do and get past a lot. I realize that won't fix everything but it's a solid step in right direction and makes a big difference in your overall quality of life. Sometimes we just need time and the right something to help heal the emotional damage too. For me, I was pretty much emotionally numb for a very long time. I was content and happy enough, but just emotionally dead on the inside. Which for a guy is kinda what we're 'supposed' to be. This is total garbage, life is better when you do you and give society the finger. It inwardly annoys the hell out of me how much I hold back because of something as crazy as what a bunch of people I don't know or care about might think. Or because something falls outside of traditionally accepted expectations. Getting past those is really hard and it's just another chain holding us back. Back to the train, it really is going somewhere = )
After discovering anime on the morale drive while deployed a few years ago, I really started to get into it. I've come to like anime for a lot of reasons but what I like most is how the writers do things to their characters that you don't find in the US. It really draws you in and is emotionally moving, like tears and everything (happy and sad ones). It is nice feeling something other than pain to know you're alive. Then last year about this time I met someone. We had a lot of fun together and some really good times I'll never forget. While it unfortunately didn't last and kinda got kyboshed cause I was moving soon (being a nomad has it's down side), it really opened my eyes. I didn't realize or even think I could be that happy or even feel like that. The brightest days and darkest nights I've lived. It was a looong tunnel for me but there was definitely a light at the end of it. What I've taken away from all of it that I didn't have before was the realization that I could feel deeply, and hope that I will find it again. I'd given up on a lot of things ever happening or being possible and forgot that there really isn't a limit.
For me it's not been as rough for some. My life line has always been my family. I'm blessed with a very tight and close loving Christian family. We don't talk all the time or always get along or anything but they're always there for me and the other way around. I never killed myself because I know what it would've done to them and my mom especially. So I stopped caring about me and lived for them until I could get back on my feet and live for me again. Real love makes all the difference in the world, even when there's times you can't share everything with them. Your family isn't always those you're related to either. One of my 'other' brothers, best friend and college room mate had a very different experience.
Of everyone I've met he has the most fucked up family (which I've noticed a lot of folks here do too). His father was a cult leader and was in prison most of his life. His mother was chronically ill, ultra religious and mentally unwell. His extended family with few exceptions pretty much suck and just try to maneuver and push the right buttons to control and get what they want/need from him. He recently went through a really rough weird medical issue that basically had his mouth around the end of a shot gun a few times. He had some strange vertigo/balance/head ache thing. He wasn't able to work anymore, which was kind of good cause they worked him way too hard and it was eating his life up regardless of how well it payed. He also couldn't do much of anything he loved. He couldn't really walk far, read or play video games without getting headaches or tripping all over the place. He was close to being trapped in his body and was about to throw in the towel. The docs couldn't figure it out but where able to help him out by changing a few things. He can read again and his vertigo is pretty much gone, but he has to avoid certain things that bring it on. He can't spend much time on computers anymore, watching/playing on a screen for an hour can bring it back on with few exceptions. When I saw him again and we hung out a bunch while I was on mid tour from Korea recently he filled me in on it. He had kept his depression to himself, something a lot of us do. It changed him quite a bit in a good way, he always used to be on edge and in a hypersensitive danger response mode from his childhood. While he was sitting around unable to do anything what had bothered him most is he hadn't really done anything he'd wanted with his life. After the vertigo thing got worked out for the most part, one of the things he could still do without problems was play pool. Which he was always super good at. So I wasn't surprised when he told me he was going to go pro after hitting the table by himself and preparing for a few years. He realized he could just let go of all his family issues. He accepted it all for what it was and that it helped make him who he is. It helped him realize that the value in life is doing what makes you happy and not letting everyone else's expectations for you hold you back. He was genuinely the happiest I've ever seen him and it was the first time I've seen him relax and stop letting all his past mess with his life. It had been about 7 years since I was last in town so it was really awesome to see him in person and hang like we used to (we also both made it to the blackheart burlesque show when it came through).
Whether you depression is acute or chronic don't let it beat you. I feel like I've lived with blinders on and now that they're off I see so much more. Life really does get better, even if depression is going to be staring back at you everyday in the mirror and trying to bring you down, it's worth living. Just make faces back at it, smile and do you. It's an easier thing to say than do and you'll lose some battles. You don't have to accept living life in a numb
