purple_wings

they need a crying emoticon on here... today, well, at least this morning was a disaster. the rest of the day still has the potential to be good but this morning was... AWFUL.

last night, i went to bed and so did hunter after the whole poly discussion went down. in the middle of the night i woke up and he wasn't in bed so i walked out into the living room, and there he was, sleeping on the couch under a yellow sheet and an unzipped sleeping bag. i know he needs space so i didn't wake him or try to move him. i just sat there and rubbed his head while he slept.

finally, i got back to sleep. this morning i woke up in the afternoon (because i'm prescribed sedatives to go to sleep, if i don't set an alarm or something, i can involuntarily sleep all day). when i woke up, he wasn't in the house and his car was gone. it's odd that he doesnt come wake me up around noon anyway. in the place where he leaves me notes was a poem about how much i've hurt him past and present. i got a little worried and then i found this picture sitting on my computer screen....



this got me very disturbed because because he is artistic and does a lot of work, but NEVER like THAT. he does life drawings and still lifes, hardly ever photography, let alone a self-portrait that looks mighty depressing, with the eyes and mouth purposely photoshopped to be almost completely non-existent.

so i freaked out and started looking for him and i found him at school in his art class. it turns out that the photo was for his art class and he had to re-create it with charcoal or something. the poem though... he said he was depressed but that he still wants to be with me and stuff and he invited me to dinner with him and his parents.

i feel like such shit. i just want to be normal. normal. normal. there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home. i don't feel like i have a home. so i called my psych and told him i need something to rid me of my sexual devience (bisexualty and polyamory are considered under psychiatric jargon to be devient) and so he prescribed me a sedative anti-psychotic... zyprexa, or olanzapine.

i don't want to take it. i just wish i were normal, but i'll do whatever i have to, to make this work out. i want hunter more than i want anything else. and i know that there's no group or girl or anything that i'd rather be with right now than him. i've fallen in love with this completely normal guy -- and now i have to conform to society's standards. :: sigh:: i guess that's just life sometimes.

oh well...
scared and disturbed and totally in love,

--natalie