wow... life sucks right now.
i'm not sure what is going on, but i've been feeling like shit. and it's getting serious. i'm having ideations of bad things and uncontrollably gruesome thoughts. i'm not quite sure what to do. one thing that's killing me inside on a regular basis is the rape that happened to me when i was sixteen. i've never cared before and totally put it aside for all these years, and now it's coming back with a lash. i feel such intense emotion inside of me, anger and fear and lonliness. it's horrible. things have been going like this for about the past three weeks. i'm not a danger to myself or others, i promise, but i need to get back to my psychiatrist as soon as possible to talk about this. also... the uncontrollable thoughts. i have these thoughts flashing thru my head of stabbed bodies, wounded people, dead people, dead babies, evacuated fetus'... i know i must sound completely insane right now, but i'm just being totally honest about the demons in my head. i wonder if perhaps i should get more ECT (electro convulsive therapy, aka shock therapy). i got six treatments when i was sixteen and it really helped, but the amnesia sucked. i don't know if i want to go thru that again. at the same time though, no meds are helping and i'm barely keeping it together in the cerebral part of me. argh...
in terms of the rest of life... the day went by slowly. i slept and chilled and smoked too much pot (as usual). my homework's gotta get done... it's plaguing my mind. i have to get this huge assignment done before the end of the semester and it's killing me because i have such low motivation right now. i'm afraid i won't get it done and then i'll get five units of F. of fuck. oh well. i can at least try i suppose.
hunter and i are getting along well. i love him a lot. i still want a girl for a relationship too though. i guess that means i'm poly. i'll have to tell him eventually. argh. oh well. that's another issue and it can wait until my head's straightened out.
guess that's all for now... Good news? I have food in the fridge again
xoxo,
--natalie
i'm not sure what is going on, but i've been feeling like shit. and it's getting serious. i'm having ideations of bad things and uncontrollably gruesome thoughts. i'm not quite sure what to do. one thing that's killing me inside on a regular basis is the rape that happened to me when i was sixteen. i've never cared before and totally put it aside for all these years, and now it's coming back with a lash. i feel such intense emotion inside of me, anger and fear and lonliness. it's horrible. things have been going like this for about the past three weeks. i'm not a danger to myself or others, i promise, but i need to get back to my psychiatrist as soon as possible to talk about this. also... the uncontrollable thoughts. i have these thoughts flashing thru my head of stabbed bodies, wounded people, dead people, dead babies, evacuated fetus'... i know i must sound completely insane right now, but i'm just being totally honest about the demons in my head. i wonder if perhaps i should get more ECT (electro convulsive therapy, aka shock therapy). i got six treatments when i was sixteen and it really helped, but the amnesia sucked. i don't know if i want to go thru that again. at the same time though, no meds are helping and i'm barely keeping it together in the cerebral part of me. argh...
in terms of the rest of life... the day went by slowly. i slept and chilled and smoked too much pot (as usual). my homework's gotta get done... it's plaguing my mind. i have to get this huge assignment done before the end of the semester and it's killing me because i have such low motivation right now. i'm afraid i won't get it done and then i'll get five units of F. of fuck. oh well. i can at least try i suppose.
hunter and i are getting along well. i love him a lot. i still want a girl for a relationship too though. i guess that means i'm poly. i'll have to tell him eventually. argh. oh well. that's another issue and it can wait until my head's straightened out.
guess that's all for now... Good news? I have food in the fridge again
xoxo,
--natalie
OK, now I'm worried to all hell.
*the biggest hug he can possible give in text form*
Please be safe, k?
-TM
*motherly worrisomeness is coming out*
-TM