i update my damned journal too much! lol.
i wanted to write though tonight because i'm feeling kind of sad and nostalgic. tomorrow i go back to santa cruz. (i'm staying with my parents in the valley right now). it's not that i don't like sc or anything, it's great there. full of angry feminists like myself. it's just that, i donno, i have such attachment to my parents, being an only child and all. now that i'm of the legal age, we never argue or anything anymore... it's just nice to see them. and as for everyone in sc telling me that sacramento is a hick town... HAH! it is not! the club scene here is like no other, and the rave scene as well. all we need is a beach, lol. but yeah, both the mountains and ocean as well as the urban city have their good points and their cons. i've tried to console myself with the idea that i can come back every weekend... that is, if i wish to make the drive. it just seems so peaceful here compared to the drama back in sc with hunter and all this other shit. i think i'm going to quit smoking pot... well, maybe. at least for a while. i noticed while i was here that my a-motivational syndrome went completely away with the fact that i'm not smoking a half eighth a day, lol. i'm so afraid though. i'm always afraid... panphobic... afraid of everything. what if hunter and i can't be together anymore because i don't want to smoke or something? i mean, it has been our #1 fun activity together. i know that if he doesn't want to respect my decision and continue to date me that he's a l0ser and i should forget him. but still, i'm clingy, well, no, i don't cling... i consider that an insult. i'm codependent, that's the word. i'm just so afraid of being alone there in sc without my parents or any real friends it feels like. i have hunty... but what if he's gone someday for some reason. what then? who will be my bestfriend? i don't like very many people..... it's hard for me to find someone i clique with and really want to be with. and our relationship... i can tell it's not going to work out in the long run...... what then? jeez... i took some klonopin and xanax a while ago (tranquilizers) --by prescription of course, and i'm still this nervous. i just wish things could be easier. i can't wait to get to firefighter boot camp this summer... i'm one of those people that can't make decisions for herself a lot of the time, and at boot camp they'll be telling me when to eat, when to sleep, when to run, when to speak, everything... it sounds like paradise, lol. and i call myself a feminist! i am one, but just a mentally derranged one that's been fucked up the patriarchal society i live in telling me that if i get married everything will be okay... ::sigh:: argh, i donno. i've rambled on here for a while now. however, this is myjournal, so i'll write whatever the hell i please in as many paragraphs (or in this case just one big long blurb) as i want. does anyone wanna take care of me and cuddle me and make me feel safe? lol, jk. i'm just glad for the internet... connecting with others is always good. Syntax left me a nice note, which i appreciated, and thefreak leaves me nice notes each day. ah yes.... i think i shall go now, but one last word --i'm sending in my set soon and i'm totally stoked about it. "Kikou" ...a french term of cuteness or endearment. watch for me if Missy is so kind as to grant me suicide girl-dom. shouldn't be happening till may or june tho, but wish me luck and pray if you're religous! lol. i feel better now.
goodnight sg friends,
loyally,
--natalie
i wanted to write though tonight because i'm feeling kind of sad and nostalgic. tomorrow i go back to santa cruz. (i'm staying with my parents in the valley right now). it's not that i don't like sc or anything, it's great there. full of angry feminists like myself. it's just that, i donno, i have such attachment to my parents, being an only child and all. now that i'm of the legal age, we never argue or anything anymore... it's just nice to see them. and as for everyone in sc telling me that sacramento is a hick town... HAH! it is not! the club scene here is like no other, and the rave scene as well. all we need is a beach, lol. but yeah, both the mountains and ocean as well as the urban city have their good points and their cons. i've tried to console myself with the idea that i can come back every weekend... that is, if i wish to make the drive. it just seems so peaceful here compared to the drama back in sc with hunter and all this other shit. i think i'm going to quit smoking pot... well, maybe. at least for a while. i noticed while i was here that my a-motivational syndrome went completely away with the fact that i'm not smoking a half eighth a day, lol. i'm so afraid though. i'm always afraid... panphobic... afraid of everything. what if hunter and i can't be together anymore because i don't want to smoke or something? i mean, it has been our #1 fun activity together. i know that if he doesn't want to respect my decision and continue to date me that he's a l0ser and i should forget him. but still, i'm clingy, well, no, i don't cling... i consider that an insult. i'm codependent, that's the word. i'm just so afraid of being alone there in sc without my parents or any real friends it feels like. i have hunty... but what if he's gone someday for some reason. what then? who will be my bestfriend? i don't like very many people..... it's hard for me to find someone i clique with and really want to be with. and our relationship... i can tell it's not going to work out in the long run...... what then? jeez... i took some klonopin and xanax a while ago (tranquilizers) --by prescription of course, and i'm still this nervous. i just wish things could be easier. i can't wait to get to firefighter boot camp this summer... i'm one of those people that can't make decisions for herself a lot of the time, and at boot camp they'll be telling me when to eat, when to sleep, when to run, when to speak, everything... it sounds like paradise, lol. and i call myself a feminist! i am one, but just a mentally derranged one that's been fucked up the patriarchal society i live in telling me that if i get married everything will be okay... ::sigh:: argh, i donno. i've rambled on here for a while now. however, this is myjournal, so i'll write whatever the hell i please in as many paragraphs (or in this case just one big long blurb) as i want. does anyone wanna take care of me and cuddle me and make me feel safe? lol, jk. i'm just glad for the internet... connecting with others is always good. Syntax left me a nice note, which i appreciated, and thefreak leaves me nice notes each day. ah yes.... i think i shall go now, but one last word --i'm sending in my set soon and i'm totally stoked about it. "Kikou" ...a french term of cuteness or endearment. watch for me if Missy is so kind as to grant me suicide girl-dom. shouldn't be happening till may or june tho, but wish me luck and pray if you're religous! lol. i feel better now.
goodnight sg friends,
loyally,
--natalie
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
tat2dpunk:
im all with the stop smoking of pot. i think that is becuase i dont smoke the stuff myself and dont really understand why people do it. i just dont get the illeagal drugs thing. but more power to you and im sure you can if you want to. it just takes motovation.
avantgarde:
I don't have anything witty or intelligent to add, but I wanted you to know I do read all your journals and appreciate the insight into your life.