some desires never change.
mine have been the same for years. i replay them in my mind. i have memorized the things i have written. they are a part of me, an extention of what is inside me....
i remember writing how all i ever wanted was someone who couldn't take their eyes off of me.
it is a bit more complicated than that. although i would say it is a fair assumption that i want to feel beautiful always....well, perhaps like 80% of the time. i hate rhianna, but honestly, i want to feel like i'm the only girl in the world.
i am reminded:
AUGUST 10, 2007 @ 09:29 PM
i want a home to call my own.
with a fabulous bed. down comfortor.
too many pillows.
satin sheets.
sexy to the extreme.
flowing curtains.
a fucking grand front porch.
possibly with a swing.
wrap around would be nice.
and a killer back patio.
with those really nice and really expensive patio sets.
gazebo.
fire pit.
bbq
tiki lights
mini bar
pool
waterfall
garden
isn't it funny that the one thing i fantasize about the most is a damn patio?
ha.
i want to collect too many sea shells
from going on too many trips to the beach
i want to never forget the way sand feels beneath my toes.
i want soft sensual touches
and special glances
that say more than words ever could
never content. always strive for more.
is this good or bad?
i constantly am reminded of something i wrote long, long ago. it's simple and beautiful and i adore it. but since i have written it i have come up with 182,495 things to add to it. and hopefully, someday i will.
"tuesday, may 17, 2005
want. . . again. . .always
Current mood: complacent
i want so much.
why?
i want things so bad sometimes that it hurts.
i literally ache for them.
i want amazing love.
with romance.
i want someone who wants me so very badly
all of me.
forever.
someone who longs to see me.
and talk to me.
and be with me.
and can never get enough.
i don't want someone who gets bored with me.
and has nothing to say to me.
i want someone who is interested
in learning about me
and the things i like
and dislike
and someone who will grow with me
someone who thinks about me all day long
and little things remind them of me.
a song . . .
a flower . . .
anything
someone who will come over just to be with me
even if all we do is watch tv
someone who enjoys my company
someone who wants to show how much they care about me
and writes me letters
leaves me little notes
cute things
a flower they picked
a sticker that says 'i love you"
someone who wants to take pictures of me
and watch the stars
and talk about our hopes . . .
dreams . . .
wishes . . .
fears . . .
i want a best friend.
i want someone to miss me when i am not there
someone who doodles my name
someone with great plans for the both of us
who will hold me when i cry
hold me like they never want to let go
somoeone who will rub my head
and watch me sleep
someone who thinks i am their world.
someone kind . . .
caring . . .
faithful . . .
loving . . .
compassionate . . .
trustworthy . . .
ambitious . . .
i want a great love.
the kind you hear about in stories.
the kind when you see in real life, you know it can exist.
when i see it, it is beautiful. i yearn for it.
a love that can overcome anything.
good times
and bad
someone who knows no matter how upset or mad or hurt we get
we want to stick with it
and work through it
and love eachother more than ever
because we want eachother
someone who won't give up
someone who holds my hand
and kisses me on the forehead
affection
i need affection.
i want to be the only person they see in a room full of people.
i don't want to feel alone with them.
i want to know that we are always in eachothers hearts.
that they would do anything for me.
i want someone who wants to take care of me.
because i am delicate and fragile and precious.
someone who thinks i am the most beautiful thing ever to exist.
and who wants to see me in dresses
and take me dancing
i want someone who looks at me THAT WAY.
i want to see that look so bad.
THAT LOOK
that magical look
that everyone knows of
but cannot describe
the look that they never want you to leave
that you are the most amazing thing they have ever laid eyes upon.
the look of a greater love.
i want deep feeling and strong emotion.
i want someone who isn't selfish.
who trusts me
and knows that i have given myself completely to them
and they have given themselves completely to me.
who picks me over superficial things
to show that they care
and i mean so much
especially when i am sad.
i want these things
and i want that person to know
that everything i want, and everything i long for, and everything i ask
i will give to them ten fold
they will recieve it
as will i
that is why we would be perfect for eachother.
we would complement eachother
perfectly.
is that too much to ask?
am i just a little naive girl?
i also want a home.
a big beautiful home.
with huge windows.
flowing curtains.
candles.
culture.
atmosphere.
comfy couches
and a fireplace.
cascading stairs.
a house that lets in the most beautiful shade of sunlight.
a pool
a patio
with a gazebo
and a fire pit
tiki lights
so we can entertain guests during the summer.
a house with a wrap-around porch.
with a chair swing
to sit on and sip lemonade or tea
of course i want to share that house with the person i love.
my husband to be one day.
and our wedding
will be magnificent
with lots of flowers
and i will look angelic
and him handsome
and we will know that everything is right
it was meant to be
and when we say our vows
and when we kiss
and when we dance
the room will be filled with so many people
but we will feel
as though we are just together
consumed.
we will have fun
and celebrate
and one day
maybe
hopefully
start a family
a family full of love
i want a family unlike mine.
a family full of trust and respect
and i want a career
a career that i am happy in
which helps me provide for the things i need
i want that for my husband too
and my children when they become of age
i want them to go to school
and excell in their passions
maybe a daughter who is an artist
or a son who loves sports
i want those hectic days when they are so many things to do.
but at the end of the day we come together and know that we are lucky
and fortunate
because we all have eachother
i want to be a good mother
help my children out
form a relationship and bond with them
be interested in their life
and feelings
be straightforward
and tell them stories of when i was younger
not in a bad way
in a way to show that i went through things
and i can relate
and i want to be a good wife
and support my husband
give him his time too
let him watch football
bring him a beer (bleh)
cook him dinners
thank him.
i want someone who even if we are apart or with other people, that we know it is ok. because we know how we feel for one another.
and we know we will always come back to eachother.
i'm sure i could go on and on.
i could get down to the very detail of the bedding i want and the dishes.
the color of my weddinig bouqet.
how i want my makeup
or my hair in soft tendrils.
but alas i will stop.
in a way it is sad, because i dont have it yet.
but i am so young.
so in a way it all makes me happy.
because it is something to look forward to"
*sighs*
mine have been the same for years. i replay them in my mind. i have memorized the things i have written. they are a part of me, an extention of what is inside me....
i remember writing how all i ever wanted was someone who couldn't take their eyes off of me.
it is a bit more complicated than that. although i would say it is a fair assumption that i want to feel beautiful always....well, perhaps like 80% of the time. i hate rhianna, but honestly, i want to feel like i'm the only girl in the world.
i am reminded:
AUGUST 10, 2007 @ 09:29 PM
i want a home to call my own.
with a fabulous bed. down comfortor.
too many pillows.
satin sheets.
sexy to the extreme.
flowing curtains.
a fucking grand front porch.
possibly with a swing.
wrap around would be nice.
and a killer back patio.
with those really nice and really expensive patio sets.
gazebo.
fire pit.
bbq
tiki lights
mini bar
pool
waterfall
garden
isn't it funny that the one thing i fantasize about the most is a damn patio?
ha.
i want to collect too many sea shells
from going on too many trips to the beach
i want to never forget the way sand feels beneath my toes.
i want soft sensual touches
and special glances
that say more than words ever could
never content. always strive for more.
is this good or bad?
i constantly am reminded of something i wrote long, long ago. it's simple and beautiful and i adore it. but since i have written it i have come up with 182,495 things to add to it. and hopefully, someday i will.
"tuesday, may 17, 2005
want. . . again. . .always
Current mood: complacent
i want so much.
why?
i want things so bad sometimes that it hurts.
i literally ache for them.
i want amazing love.
with romance.
i want someone who wants me so very badly
all of me.
forever.
someone who longs to see me.
and talk to me.
and be with me.
and can never get enough.
i don't want someone who gets bored with me.
and has nothing to say to me.
i want someone who is interested
in learning about me
and the things i like
and dislike
and someone who will grow with me
someone who thinks about me all day long
and little things remind them of me.
a song . . .
a flower . . .
anything
someone who will come over just to be with me
even if all we do is watch tv
someone who enjoys my company
someone who wants to show how much they care about me
and writes me letters
leaves me little notes
cute things
a flower they picked
a sticker that says 'i love you"
someone who wants to take pictures of me
and watch the stars
and talk about our hopes . . .
dreams . . .
wishes . . .
fears . . .
i want a best friend.
i want someone to miss me when i am not there
someone who doodles my name
someone with great plans for the both of us
who will hold me when i cry
hold me like they never want to let go
somoeone who will rub my head
and watch me sleep
someone who thinks i am their world.
someone kind . . .
caring . . .
faithful . . .
loving . . .
compassionate . . .
trustworthy . . .
ambitious . . .
i want a great love.
the kind you hear about in stories.
the kind when you see in real life, you know it can exist.
when i see it, it is beautiful. i yearn for it.
a love that can overcome anything.
good times
and bad
someone who knows no matter how upset or mad or hurt we get
we want to stick with it
and work through it
and love eachother more than ever
because we want eachother
someone who won't give up
someone who holds my hand
and kisses me on the forehead
affection
i need affection.
i want to be the only person they see in a room full of people.
i don't want to feel alone with them.
i want to know that we are always in eachothers hearts.
that they would do anything for me.
i want someone who wants to take care of me.
because i am delicate and fragile and precious.
someone who thinks i am the most beautiful thing ever to exist.
and who wants to see me in dresses
and take me dancing
i want someone who looks at me THAT WAY.
i want to see that look so bad.
THAT LOOK
that magical look
that everyone knows of
but cannot describe
the look that they never want you to leave
that you are the most amazing thing they have ever laid eyes upon.
the look of a greater love.
i want deep feeling and strong emotion.
i want someone who isn't selfish.
who trusts me
and knows that i have given myself completely to them
and they have given themselves completely to me.
who picks me over superficial things
to show that they care
and i mean so much
especially when i am sad.
i want these things
and i want that person to know
that everything i want, and everything i long for, and everything i ask
i will give to them ten fold
they will recieve it
as will i
that is why we would be perfect for eachother.
we would complement eachother
perfectly.
is that too much to ask?
am i just a little naive girl?
i also want a home.
a big beautiful home.
with huge windows.
flowing curtains.
candles.
culture.
atmosphere.
comfy couches
and a fireplace.
cascading stairs.
a house that lets in the most beautiful shade of sunlight.
a pool
a patio
with a gazebo
and a fire pit
tiki lights
so we can entertain guests during the summer.
a house with a wrap-around porch.
with a chair swing
to sit on and sip lemonade or tea
of course i want to share that house with the person i love.
my husband to be one day.
and our wedding
will be magnificent
with lots of flowers
and i will look angelic
and him handsome
and we will know that everything is right
it was meant to be
and when we say our vows
and when we kiss
and when we dance
the room will be filled with so many people
but we will feel
as though we are just together
consumed.
we will have fun
and celebrate
and one day
maybe
hopefully
start a family
a family full of love
i want a family unlike mine.
a family full of trust and respect
and i want a career
a career that i am happy in
which helps me provide for the things i need
i want that for my husband too
and my children when they become of age
i want them to go to school
and excell in their passions
maybe a daughter who is an artist
or a son who loves sports
i want those hectic days when they are so many things to do.
but at the end of the day we come together and know that we are lucky
and fortunate
because we all have eachother
i want to be a good mother
help my children out
form a relationship and bond with them
be interested in their life
and feelings
be straightforward
and tell them stories of when i was younger
not in a bad way
in a way to show that i went through things
and i can relate
and i want to be a good wife
and support my husband
give him his time too
let him watch football
bring him a beer (bleh)
cook him dinners
thank him.
i want someone who even if we are apart or with other people, that we know it is ok. because we know how we feel for one another.
and we know we will always come back to eachother.
i'm sure i could go on and on.
i could get down to the very detail of the bedding i want and the dishes.
the color of my weddinig bouqet.
how i want my makeup
or my hair in soft tendrils.
but alas i will stop.
in a way it is sad, because i dont have it yet.
but i am so young.
so in a way it all makes me happy.
because it is something to look forward to"
*sighs*
Secondly, yes I am half scottish! I lived in Scotland for the first 6 years of my life. That's awesome you also have some Scottish blood in you!
Third, I am jealous of YOU! You have such amazing features! Even when you were heavier I thought you were so incredibly lovely, but now you have a well earned body to match your beautiful face!
I know what you mean about still feeling big even though you've dropped a lot of weight (and look amazing). Some days I'm proud of the changes and other days I feel like it's still not good enough. LIke a paranoid thought of remembering how I thought I looked alright before, but I was just in denial of how fat I was and maybe that's how it still is... if that makes any sense. Anyhoo, I read the post about your mom in the weight loss group, and I think you're a really brave and amazing lady.
Also, good luck with the personal trainer! Hope they kick your ass just enough, but not too much! <3