this blog was supposed to be about the deftones. it came to me at work. cherry waves was playing. their music is so sexy. everything slows down a bit. sensual. i fantasized about riding shotgun, driving down some road. possibly next to the beach. night. windows down. warm air rushing in. too many stars in the sky. flowing hair. the music loud. looking over at the driver. just staring. a happy "in this moment" stare. a warm feeling rushing over my body. i'd slightly grace his hand that's on the shifter. trace letters on his leg. this blog was suppose to be about that. this blog was suppose to be hopeful. this blog is not.
i almost called out of work. i've been ill the past week. not *cough* *cough* ill. ill as in, fuck, i think i really need to see a doctor. for everyone's sake, i won't get graphic. but it's no bueno. i got sick and thought i was going to pass out. thought for certain i was going to have to go to the emergency room. but i was scared. i went and laid down in my bed. it was too hot. and overwhelming. i passed out. had dreams of calling out and going to the hospital. cried.
of course i put my own well being last, and i went to work. in 80s getup and all. theme weekends. the night went on. my pain went on. it probably was around 11:15. i walked next door to the bathroom. leaving, walking back towards the store, i saw him there. well, i wasn't sure at first. but it did not take long to register. he was standing by our sign. just staring in. almost in a creepy manner. looking. i must have left my body, because i ended up walking up to him. i don't remember this. it was more like floating. my face must have been pale. i must have looked shocked. but perhaps not as much as he. i can't even tell you all that was spoken. or what he wore. or what transpired. you rack your brain for months....a year...on how you will handle this situation when it arises. i must have played out 378, 000 different ways that i would have done it. and of course, none of them were the way it happened. i aksed why you were there. movie. dinner. friends. you "knew" i was most liekly in there, but you didn't want it to be awkward. i wondered how many other times you had seen me or watched me. i hope you had seen me at my best. looking cute. i don't think i stared at you too much, although i should have. is it weird that it almost seemed natural. like we really hadn't been away at all? you spoke to me, yet i still can't remember your voice. although i know it was always lovely. the whole point was always for us to meet again in person to see how it went, if feelings were there. it almost didn't matter. i knew they would be. i've known. however, it was so breif. i don't know if they were there on your behalf. i hate you. you don't deserve an ounce. and you treated me like shit. but i would have kissed you. i would have held you. and scratched your head. you aksed me questions about the most trivial things. and things you knew already. you smoked. and i actually contemplated going back out there and picking up the cigarette butt. if only to have a piece of you. it was so brief. i wanted to ask you what your response to my blog meant. was that goodbye? again? you had to leave and you hugged me goodbye. but it wasn't a true hug. you didn't give fully i felt it. i didn't even get to smell you or take you in. i put my arm around you but i don't remember feeling you. i wonder if you smelled my neck, my hair...and i cursed myself for not wearing the scent you liked today....
i almost called out of work. i've been ill the past week. not *cough* *cough* ill. ill as in, fuck, i think i really need to see a doctor. for everyone's sake, i won't get graphic. but it's no bueno. i got sick and thought i was going to pass out. thought for certain i was going to have to go to the emergency room. but i was scared. i went and laid down in my bed. it was too hot. and overwhelming. i passed out. had dreams of calling out and going to the hospital. cried.
of course i put my own well being last, and i went to work. in 80s getup and all. theme weekends. the night went on. my pain went on. it probably was around 11:15. i walked next door to the bathroom. leaving, walking back towards the store, i saw him there. well, i wasn't sure at first. but it did not take long to register. he was standing by our sign. just staring in. almost in a creepy manner. looking. i must have left my body, because i ended up walking up to him. i don't remember this. it was more like floating. my face must have been pale. i must have looked shocked. but perhaps not as much as he. i can't even tell you all that was spoken. or what he wore. or what transpired. you rack your brain for months....a year...on how you will handle this situation when it arises. i must have played out 378, 000 different ways that i would have done it. and of course, none of them were the way it happened. i aksed why you were there. movie. dinner. friends. you "knew" i was most liekly in there, but you didn't want it to be awkward. i wondered how many other times you had seen me or watched me. i hope you had seen me at my best. looking cute. i don't think i stared at you too much, although i should have. is it weird that it almost seemed natural. like we really hadn't been away at all? you spoke to me, yet i still can't remember your voice. although i know it was always lovely. the whole point was always for us to meet again in person to see how it went, if feelings were there. it almost didn't matter. i knew they would be. i've known. however, it was so breif. i don't know if they were there on your behalf. i hate you. you don't deserve an ounce. and you treated me like shit. but i would have kissed you. i would have held you. and scratched your head. you aksed me questions about the most trivial things. and things you knew already. you smoked. and i actually contemplated going back out there and picking up the cigarette butt. if only to have a piece of you. it was so brief. i wanted to ask you what your response to my blog meant. was that goodbye? again? you had to leave and you hugged me goodbye. but it wasn't a true hug. you didn't give fully i felt it. i didn't even get to smell you or take you in. i put my arm around you but i don't remember feeling you. i wonder if you smelled my neck, my hair...and i cursed myself for not wearing the scent you liked today....
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
recipeforhate:
Just wanted to say I think you're really pretty!!
buckyverano:
All I can say is WOW. This is an example of taking a great thing for granted. Some people just don't know or find out way to late. I wanna be there for you. 