punkinfanta

:if you are the shores, i am the waves begging for big moons:

spent the last 24 hours or so at chris's beachside apartment. and by beachside i mean RIGHT ACROSS THE DAMN STREET.

being that i hardly get to go to the beach, it was nothing short of fucking divine.

i prefere it at night it seems though, and not enough time was spent there at night so i am already dying to go back.

i wonder if i could live near the beach. i'm semi waiting on getting my own store to see where that takes me. relocated hopefully. the air and the smells make me so happy, and the beach spawns even more reflection and thought in me. and even if the thoughts and feelings are morose, being at the beach, somehow makes it all a little ok. we blame this on the taurean tendancies in me.

naturally i took a notebook and paper. and got some good stuff. i also bought two new books which i am excited about and i started reading one and writing notes in it.

i visited chris's apartment once prior at night...about a month ago and wrote a bunch. i'm thinking it's customary to post that before i post the new stuff? even though it seems as the things i do fall into no particular order...

hrmm..no. i just re-read it. it needs to be saved.

however, something i did contemplate much today was....i question...

how many people wonder about how many smiles, glances, caresses, kisses...fights...experiences, memories, moments... are missed out on because things like pride, regret, doubt...get in the way?

so many small moments have gone by and i pause for a second and think...so and so should be here....

i don't know how to get someone to understand. and maybe i can't, maybe one shouldn't. some things you just have to figure out for yourself, if you ever do.

i think i face some oppositions. people telling me to see the truth, things for what they are...the reality.

"HE DOESN'T WANT YOU"

ringing in my ears over and over.

one can fight with themselves, till they change, or accept who they are. i've tried it all. and i go back and forth. mostly i try to embrace the ways that i am as something beautiful, despite how difficult it is.

i constantly think, you need to forgive yourself for what you did.

but, me too. for what i do. because lord knows half of me hates myself for it.

i'd say 90% of the time i know how it is, how it should be, how i feel. and i just know it and believe in it.

the other 10%...well...i become so angry. so bitter. so scorched and torn.

torn...

i just remembered. i heard that song while eating lunch the other day. as cheesy as it is. good lyrics. i sang that song acapella for my choir tryouts. somewhere in existance is a tape of me on a stage all alone singing that song....

anyway. back to point. i wish i could get people to understand. the way i think 90% of the time. i completely give in to my gut feelings and let them take me. life's too short. i want people to see the beauty in things like i see them. even when it's desperately and tragically beautiful, it still is nonetheless. i want to show others things from my eyes. and i want them to get the same feelings i get from things...

the way the mist from the ocean water hit my face today and i licked my lips and the taste of the salt was abundantly pleasing.

little little things like that.

or how i was sitting outside on the porch looking through the trees watching the sun go down and i thought, it's moments like these i want to remember when i'm old. the little obscure unconventionally brilliant and beautiful moments.

i wish others gave in more to their feelings. and as hard as i'm trying to describe and explain this i can't.

i don't want to hold back anymore. i just want to give and give and give and love and live and enjoy. every last drop...

but i can't.

...maybe i just listened to the rent soundtrack too much these past 24 hours...

"life's too short babe, time is flying. i'm looking for baggage to go with mine"

don't people realize that tomorrow all this could be over and gone?

that this is as good as it gets?

we aren't guaranteed anything?

why can't we embrace and enjoy what we have right now?

i want all these things. and i just can't reach out far enough to get a firm grasp on any of it.

my views are deemed as too idealistic.

but why can't i be?

about a week ago, i felt like my heart was literally breaking all over again. and it was heavy and if i were to ever guess what dying felt like, it would have been then. and despite how amazingly shitty i felt. i still thought. jesus christ, i have never felt more alive...

ugh, i'm on this fantasy world rant and i really could keep going on and on till dawn. but i don't think anyone will really understand any of this. so i might as well stop..

it's late and i have an early day... i'll end this with a lyric that popped in my head today whilst standing feet in the sand looking across the water..

there's oceans in between us, but that's not very far.....