pumpkineater

in the middle of the night under a full moon I thought I was awakened by a nightmare but the pain in my chest was not just a scare. Each breath hurt more than the arctic air to sick lungs. Imagine someone hitting you over and over again in the chest with a sledgehammer. I thought my chest was going to squeeze my heart to death.

an ambulance would be too slow so I dragged myself across the street to a car service throwing paper bills at the office window yelling at them it was an emergency.

Sitting under bright fluorescent lights in the middle of the night trying to calm down and make sure my heart wasnt going to burst. The doctor gave me some pills to stop the throbbing.

youll be ok for now, but you really need to get this checked out, what are you waiting for?

dear doctor, whats the point of saving and fixing a broken heart if there isnt a future to hold on to, to look forward to, to hope for? If all there is is more pain and hurt? My best days are past and my dreams are ruined. Or maybe it was always an illusion to begin with. Have you ever looked at the ground horrified b/c you saw people trampling over the shards of your life? Or looked in the mirror and saw the light in your eyes grow dimmer?

unfortunately the only one who cares was half a world away, half a day ahead fighting her own battles in Israel. If I were to die, since I couldnt cry, she would shed all the tears in the world for the both of us. i didnt realize how much i needed my sister until she was gone.