pudding

oh, to be young and retarded. which i am. very. so here is the score kiddies, i am in love. that's right. i, the emotionally stunted bitch that i am, is in mad love. to be honest it scares the fucking shit out of me. the boy is unbelievably wonderful and i fear that he is honestly too good for me. he treats me right, he's sweet, he's just about god damned perfect. one issue: he has a hard time talking to me. who would have fucking thought that i would be miserably attracted to someone that has a difficult time opening up? and i get frustrated because i'm used to a certain level of emotional intimacy. he's not. he's used to being lonely like i was, except he didn't drink so i'm not sure how he got through it. joe say's he doesn't want victor at the house and is pulling all of this chest-thumping bullshit with me over the phone. he's threatening to come down to get his computer and some of his shit and not tell me when. then he swears up and down that vic better not be here or he will kick his ass or some shit. whatever. joe is a twig with an anger management problem and vic's not a fighter or at least so i believe. needless to say that this makes me miserably unhappy and that i have been spending the bare minimum amount of time at home. i come home just long enough to change, sleep and check my messages and mail. this explains why my updates are mostly one liners. the cats are getting lonely. i can tell because the other day even alpha wanted to love on me. i want to spend more time here but we are also in the new relationship phase where you want to spend every other fucking second together. boundaries. i'm really bad at setting boundaries. and i'm starting to feel like i'm losing again. that thing where you feel outside yourself, disconnected. too wrapped up in all the love and booze. all the good things are clouding my vision. moody too, moody as all fucking hell. losing patience and starting to lash out. my needs aren't getting met again and it's all my fault. starting to feel the pressure of having to move. my deadline is officially december first. have to be out of here by then. joe set the date because he wants to use the time he is being given to pack to go visit his family in alaska during the holidays. i can't fault him for that. so i didn't argue, even though it would have been nice to talk about it. but we don't talk anymore. hence the divorce. speaking of the divorce, being with vic makes me want to get all this paperwork stuff going and make the whole business final as soon as possible. it's hard to be completely happy when the grey cloud of a bad relationship is still hanging two inches above your head. trying to get my mim to move out here. she says she will seriously consider it. she is supposed to be coming to visit in the next month or so, hopefully my brother will be able to come too. i have to work six days a week for the next two weeks, ugh. life is strange right now. i got love but i also have pressure, mixed feelings, too much booze, and a mind that is losing it's fragile little grip on reality. i need to get back into therapy. i need to start getting my needs met.