pudding

after yesterday's anxiety attack incident i thought it would be a good idea to call me shrink and ask if there was anything at all the he would be willing to prescribe me for my anxiety issues. he offered to put me on the same drug he had offered me before, which i refuse to take because he said 1.) it works for some people and not for others (i've been on a lot of different meds and i have a very high tolerance), 2.) it is known to make people very drowsy (meaning if i have another panic attack at work i can't fucking take it or else i will be asleep on my feet) and last but not least 3) because it makes you severely drowsy it one of those meds that has the do not operate heavy machinery stickers on it (so if i freak out at work and they send me home it would be a bad idea to take it before driving and i don't drive while in panic mode. not safe.) this guy is retarded i swear. so he wants to give me something that i won't be able to take at work even though my most severe anxiety attacks have happened there. genius. he refuses to prescribe me anything other than this particular med because the other = better medications are potentially addictive and he thinks i have a drinking problem. even if i go a month without drinking he won't prescribe potentially addictive drugs because i drink at all. he doesn't want me to drink a single fucking drop ever again, and when i say i haven't been drinking he doesn't believe me. this is the same guy that once told me he believed i wasn't taking my treatment seriously. fuck you sir. i was in his office a couple weeks ago and told him that i was getting anxious more and more often, that i was having trouble sleeping, and that my energy level has been pretty low lately. he offered to up my antidepressant and i refused and told him that i believed it might be the antidepressant that was causing the anxiety and sleeplessness in the first place and that i was not going to take the chance of it possibly getting worse by taking more. and he jotted my refusal down on my chart. so in light of all this fucking nonsense i have decided i don't want to deal with all this medication bullshit anymore, i'm just not going to take anything. i can hear the mutterings of "oh god, what the hell is she thinking," from here. my mother thinks this is a bad idea and that nothing good will come of it. and this is like the millionth time i've decided i'm not going to take meds anymore. i've been in the mental health system for four years now (not nearly as long as some people, i know) and the lack of relief is astounding. i've been on a lot of different drugs, i've had a handful of therapists, more than a handful of shrinks, and have been in the hospital four times and i've still got nothing to show for it. so i'm done. no more meds, no more shrinks, no more therapy and fucking no more hospitals. just me and my brain, cage match.