pudding

it's not that anything in particular was wrong with today. but i feel remarkably unsettled at the moment. why is that i can never explain how i feel? at least not in actual words. sometimes when i don't know what to say i will make noises, what i refer to as dinosaur noises. at one point my therapist called these noises my way of vocalizing my distress. i don't think distress is the right word for it, but ok. distress is a bit strong. and things should be okay because yesterday i adopted a kitten. his name is alpha and he's 9 weeks old. alpha is crazy and super playful, he chases kiko around the house and follows him everywhere much to poor kiko's annoyance. i'm even playing my happy music but it's not really cutting it and feels kind of cheap. i'm lonely. all of my friends are busy. it's been weeks since i've seen jax and kelsey and em usually works late so we don't get to hang out much. i'd call my mom but she would just lecture me on how i should be in therapy and shouldn't be drinking and my brother is probably busy with his girlfriend as usual. joe left this morning for tech school, he will be back in december. he called a little while ago to say that he is lost in san francisco and will call me again when he gets where he's going. before he left he kept asking me if i would be okay over the next few months and he said i could call him anytime if i ever needed anything. which roughly translated means i can call anytime he's not busy talking to his girlfriend or is out doing god only knows what and that if i need anything he will probably just respond with the phrase, "wow that sucks." mmm...cynicism. i'd love to think that he means the things that he says but first hand experience tells me otherwise. so my plans for the night include drinking in the bathtub, most likely lurking in chat, maybe reading a little, and watching whatever brand of crap happens to be on tv tonight. good times.

alpha