pudding

i have figured out what the fuck is bothering me, i've also figured out that i don't feel like talking about it. i'd just come across looking/sounding like a fucking hypocrite and i have many other opportunities to point out my personal flaws and this does not need to be one of them. goddamn i need to get back into therapy because i don't feel like i can talk to anyone. and everyone says you can talk to them about anything but we all know there are only certain people you can tell everything to, like a fucking therapist. and even then sometimes you still lie because you aren't comfortable enough. or at least i do. and i'm all medicated and shit and it's still not good enough. i'm not satisfied. not yet. and i'm tired of people doing things in a half assed way, being indecisive and all that nonsense. i was told yesterday that i'm too negative. well at least i'm consistent. at least i have my mind made up one way or the other. at least i know how i feel about shit. even if it is almost always pessimistic but tinged with hope of something better. but this is all delving into the shit i don't want to talk about. and that's a lie too. i do want to talk about it. but i got nothing. and i want badly to disconnect and start operating on auto pilot because it's complicated. and most of me is too embarrassed to spill my guts. i say i want to talk but given the opportunity i would probably just shut up for fear of being made fun of, even by a mental health professional. so i'm not going to talk about it. and that's not going to do any good either. oh well. my throat hurts. and i figured out where hell is. it's in the freezer section at albertsons. i had to hang price tags in the freezers and my nose was running the entire time. ben and jerry's ice cream is now 2 for $6. the sporadic sleep probably isn't helping my mood but the two seem to go hand in hand.