pudding

i want normal relationships. i want open communication. i want to say exactly what i mean and have that be okay. argh. today someone asked when i was going to have kids, they might as well have punched me for as surprised as i was by the question. seriously, i was blindsided. i was stunned enough that my answer was irrelevant. i felt like my stomach was on fire for the first few hours of work. that was uncomfortable. i started out my morning with my new mantra, "i'm awesome. everything is just fucking awesome." it's a lie, but faking happiness is better than genuinely being miserable. right? right. i'm not miserable. just in an emotional rut. i'm not really unhappy or happy but i would not go as far as to call myself content. emotional limbo. there is no bar in emotional limbo. damn. my life gets stranger by the day. it's a clusterfuck. talked with my mom about moving, still don't plan on it until august. still praying for the miracle or the end of the world. we'll see if my pay raise will improve my chances of staying, most likely not. i would pretty much have to triple what i make to be able to stay. guess i could find a roommate, but even halving the cost of living would most likely still be too much for me. i've got bills. lots of bills. i'm still paying for past insanity and the furnishing of my first apartment. i want to adopt a bunny.