pudding

sometimes people make strange choices and i begin to wonder if im really the crazy one. maybe the rest of the world is off its fucking rock too and im just a bit more vocal about it. my shrink says that i am definitely borderline and i have obsessive traits. and when you first here the words "obsessive traits" you think to yourself (or at least i do), huh, that sounds kind of hot. to me it evokes images of dark-eyed strangers and american psycho. but the more i thought about it the lamer it became, it started to sound a bit pathetic, like i have a serious lack of self control. which is only 95% true. and most of that is not wanting to even try to exert self control because of the serious amount of energy it takes to conquer myself when im stuck on one idea, plus it ultimately ends in failure. and who in their right mind wants to own up to failure. i feel like ive doled out enough apologies in my life for ten people already and im only 21 fucking years old. christ. isnt this supposed to be the time in life where i have license to be more than a little bit of a dumb ass? yet every day i make more mistakes and am less forgiven for them. maybe ive finally reached the seventh layer of hell type mistakes. i have gone through all seven of the deadly sins and am going back for round two. i didnt think i was that far gone, but the more i look back at every instance of insanity the more i am seeing that they were all connected. at the time they just seemed to be random occurrences, dominoes of lousiness falling all on their own without an impressive or intricate pattern, but they weren't. one stupid decision fell right into the other, they were just more spread out, but dumbness of one of my infractions lead headlong into the next. oh, and for the record my shrink thinks that casey gives good advise. congrats, the medical community is on your side little man. the tension and terror is all here, waiting patiently for the exit to present itself. kiko keeps trying to walk across the keyboard. i bought these goofy pajama pants at cvs last night while emily and i were waiting on my birth control refill. they were only five dollars. first of all they didn't have this particular style in anything but a 1x but the drawstring waist helps out with that a lot. they are baby pink with shiny rose-pink thread making a checker board pattern and have a bitchin' pocket on my left hip so i can carry around food or my cell phone. i painted my fingernails sunday night, bright red and they are already chipping. i think if you listened closely to the music you would have known.