pudding

so i thought i had an appointment with my shrink today, apparently that fun business happens tomorrow. that means i don't get to go job hunting because i'll be damned if i'm going to get up early to do something that will only piss me off. i want to be sedated, but even if i ask they won't do it. sigh.i really need to clear my head, i've been thinking so much it hurts. thats right, i get headaches from thinking too much, shut up. i've never dealt with stress very well. the one and only highlight of my week is that on saturday joe and i are going to the long beach tattoo festival. i talked him into it, it's more for me than anything else. i am typing this with one foot on the ground, and the other on my desk, if i had a webcam it would be getting a great shot of my tacky pajamas. painted my toenails, a good nude pink, i'm mastering the art of polish mixing. there is so much that i would like to just shout out to the masses, even if no one really cared. unfortunately that is what my standard notebook is for. i would like to be able to write exactly what i feel without having to speak in secret code, alas such is the downside to the interweb blog, everyone and their fucking brother can read it. if i were willing to have no meaningful relationships i would just lay it all out on the table. but i want companionship in this life, i get lonely too easy not to have people around. i'm not done being angry about my dream crashing to the floor but i've tried to put it aside for a bit. it will hit me when i'm not expecting it. if nothing else my grey tinted vision on life will for the moment keep me safe from the bright and shiny rays of the sun. i need a dark hole to hide in. shut up you damn dirty birds! i've hit the wall when it comes to changing myself in little ways, normally i alter my look a little when i get in these moods, but there is no money to spend on my usual tattoo/piercing therapy. i will figure it out eventually.