pudding

i thought today was going to be one of those happy-type days. i was sadly mistaken. and i'm not going to start running my mouth until i know for sure exactly what is going to happen, but there is a good chance i might not get to go to school and live the dream just yet. and it has me insanely bummed out. i don't want to get a job, i'm sick of working at jobs that suck, jobs that have nothing to do with building a future. maybe i got my hopes up too much, i let my generally pessimistic attitude get away from me. it's a little sick that i don't feel okay unless something is wrong. i thrive on chaos. the cats are really starting to warm up to us, sylvester is now hiding on the top of the bookshelf instead of under the couch and mikey is becoming pretty damn social, he is making a habit of following me around the house. i've been thinking about the regrets that make up my past, and i am beginning to understand that i wouldn't be myself without them, as sordid and fucked up as some of them were. i can be a real asshole when the mood strikes. but in my life i don't really think of any part as having been perferct, i was always fucking things up somehow, i can't let anything be good for too long, just can't. some part of me thinks i don't deserve to be happy, and there are days, weeks and months where i believe that to be completely true. occasionally i have odd moments of clarity when i feel totally deserving but those are much fewer and farther between. it's a trip to try and rework the way you think on a daily basis, and most of the time you don't even realize you were thinking that way until much later. its difficult to articulate those thoughts and to understand why you think like that in the first place. there is something wrong with my head. its a long road to not-crazyville. sitting on my desk is a chain with a needle cap on it that i got the first time i was hospitalized, i keep it around as a reminder but it doesn't work. and i'm not saying my life is some great tragedy or anything, because i know that out there is a person that would much rather have my version of fucked up than theirs. i guess the entire point of this entry is that i am struggling, hardcore. i don't want to take my meds, because i don't feel like they work, but at the same time i know that i will be dramatically more fucked up if i stop taking them. the mental help system is painfully slow. i thought i would get to live the dream this time around and it looks very much like i will have to wait and i am so disappointed it makes me sick. the only reason i'm not sitting in a corner writing bad poetry and listening to emo is that i have decided not to jump to conclusions until i know for sure what the hell is going on. i will save the emo and bad poetry until tomorrow. i hate a love/ hate relationship with everything in my life. the only people that i don't have a love/hate relationship with are thousands of miles away. i'm such a momma's girl. i don't know where i belong, i mean i know it's in this state, but i can't get more specific than that. i just want to make the world mine.