pudding

i've reached a new level of perversion, that's comforting. a new high/low point. god damn i love not having anyone to talk to. and the people i could talk to all care too much about me to let me do the things i feel i must do to calm myself down, or at least regulate my feelings of impending doom. i'm pretty fucking sure i'm not the only one who has wanted to slap someone they love and demand that they not care so much for a damn minute. but it's just another night here, alone, and the world moves on without me. i've been in my pj's all day, still wearing yesterday's makeup, i have not left the house all day. i called my brother, i almost started crying on the phone. i kept myself from it because nothing upsets him more than knowing that i'm upset and he is too far away to comfort me. joe is at work. it's just me and the depressed cat, but even he seems happier than me today. i wonder what the hell my future children are going to say when they come into possession of my journals. and there are millions of people out there who are just like me, and i think about them and hope that they are able to get through whatever it is that they are going through because it is hard. and trying to explain it to someone who doesn't have the problem is like talking to the wall, and no matter what their best intentions are they still look at you like you make them nervous. and maybe it should, everyone has an unhealthy way of dealing with things, one is no worse than the other, they all are a way to cope in private with the things you can't handle in public. or some people take those things that kill them on the inside and wear it like armor, but as much as they say that they are completely empowered by it, as much as they fake and smile and try to make it sound like a thing of the past, on some level it still eats away at you. it's that thing you blame for all your failings, the first thing that pops into your head when you fuck up. and the cat is on the floor beging for my attention, and i'm going to give it to him, because someone should be happy around here.