pudding

this was sunday:so today was day one in the three part series that is my days off. i go to see my therapist tomorrow. she's new, hopefully it will work out. the appointment is ass early in the morning though, like nine thirty, that's the earliest i've had to get up in like forever. i don't know why but i keep waking up at six thirty every morning, it's like clockwork. i'm bored as fuck. god damn. i like how god damn can constitute and entire sentence in my world. sometimes it's all you need to say. just a few profane words describes it all as accurately as anything else could. i have to sit down and pay bills later, that wil great fun. oh, how the sarcasm drips from that sentence like chocolate syrup. mmm...anyway. i didn't write last night, because frankly i had no energy to do so. i had a killer headache and was feeling insanely restless once again. i dumbed myself down by watching too much tv and then went to bed. today was the first day in several weeks that i have actually cooked food for myself here at home. i've made a bad habit out of fast food, plus i get one meal for free while i'm at work. between the two i normally get two of the three meals a day. and it's not that i can't cook, because i am fully capable. i however lack the drive necessary to get up off the couch or out of the computer chair to make a meal. and my mother feeds me too. last night i had spaghetti at her house. sometimes after being around food all day at work i just don't want it anymore, the smell can almost make me sick some days. oasis-don't look back in anger. listen to it. i demand it. heard it on the radio while i was in the bathtub this morning. i've cleaned myself up, so i actually look human again. kind of. damn. nothing holds my attention for too long, even the mind numbing goodness of tv. i've made great headway in the book i'm reading. working evenings gives me plenty of time to read. and write letters to joe. i'm not meant to be here, i know that much, even if i can't place the things that upset my balance on a regular basis. i don't want to spill my guts tomorrow, makes me feel vulnerable that there is one more person in the world that will know my life story forward and backward. nothing like opening your closet to someone you don't know and getting their feedback on why you are the way you are. and hell, what if they have you pegged in the first five minutes and don't need to hear anymore, then what? doesn't make for a very good little story now does it? i fail. whatever. my contacts are giving me headaches, terribly painful ones at that. i found a new pair of glasses i want, but am putting off buying them until my insurance takes full effect. they are super bitch'n though. very emo/ preppy. i like the / genres.

monday: so i saw my therapist. she's pretty cool, a lot younger than i expected. her name is lane with a funny accent mark on the e so it's pronounced as laney. she pierced her own nose when she was nineteen. i stayed at ethan and aaron's last night, we watched movies and i talked with ethan til like four in the morning. i haven't been back to sleep yet, though i've tried. i just rolled around. sleeplessness sucks. my mom is supposed to call when she gets off work, i'm thinking about going to hastings and getting another book. still haven't sat down and paid bills yet. that is on the will do list. i'm trying to institute ethan's "get over it" policy, but it's pretty hard when you are trying to explain to someone why you are fucked up. i bought a coloring book at last night, it's called "bunnies and friends." i've already given the baby blue crayon a good run. there is nothing like going into therapy slightly hung-over. love it.