pudding

i don't hate everything, but i do have a passionate dislike for a few things this evening. work was ok, i'm still a lousy waitress. bought this cute shirt last night that reads "don't trust me," its awesome. looked at bunch of scarification pictures last night, it almost made me sick. some of the pictures were pretty grisly looking. uh. my super red hair seems to be going over well. i have been having thoughts of sporting a genuine mohawk, have yet to make any decisions though. probably not the wisest move, but i said the same about shaving my head. you never know... i just want to live bare foot for the rest of my life. there has got to be something other than this, and here, and now. there is something out there for me somewhere i know it. i think in my past lives i must have been part of nomadic peoples. still super stoked about getting my robots on friday, they just fit the moment so well. totally into "songs of the doomed" its a great read. there is someone out there that i should be happy for, but i'm not, because i am an asshole. i love change, but at the same time loathe it terribly. i have been replaced, not once but twice, i feel special. god, i'm an asshole. and my reward for being an asshole is silence. that's right, there is no consolation prize if you are a dick, you get nothing. way to go. and maybe i should do a lot of things that people have suggested, most of it is good, sound advice from reliable sources. but i am dumb and don't listen. i mean i listen but i don't put any of the advice into action. i don't take heed. and i can completely understand the advice and where i comes form and how fucking valid it is, but i just don't do it. maybe its just easier not to. not that falling on your fucking face all the time is easy. i have become a spectator sport, i hold the fucked up olympics weekly. the cool part is that i win in all events, the bad part is that i win in all events and am still an asshole. i just want to be like the girls in the songs, you know? the one that is so inspiring the artist must map her out lyrically. i want to be that one, bad or good, doesn't matter. but alas i will never have a song. le sigh. i just long to be something i'm not, or i think i'm not. maybe i am and just don't know it. doubtful. fuck your couch! that is case's latest catchphrase obsession. a few cars have been broken into here in town lately and everyone is in a fucking twist about it. i've been asked if i locked my car doors like a million times. there is nothing worth stealing in my car. and if they intend on stealing the car, they are probably going to do it whether the door is locked or not. i'm just saying, if you need a car that bad you don't give a shit about a braking the window. maybe i am under-concerned, it just seems to be another thing to get your shorts in a knot about. there is nothing to talk about in this town anyway. i make decisions and then don't stick to them. i want pancakes, god that sounds fucking good. mmm, pancakes! and when it comes to work, it's not about the customers at all. i mean, we make it seem that way because that's how it's supposed to be. but at the end of the day it has nothing to do with them. today was cheeseburger special day, i am such a lucky fuck to work on cheeseburger special day. and i play this damn song even though i know it makes me think back and then feel like shit for doing so. bring on the haze. never forget it though. there is no milk, and therefore, no pancakes. makes me sad. we need to get groceries so bad its not even funny. i'm bored, i could watch rent but i'm not exactly in the mood. i can't wait to get out of here, i just need to go somewhere completely new. it would be nice to get a fresh start. i feel so sedated and apathetic, those are traits i hate to see in others and hate even more to see in myself.