pudding

it's never easy is it, got to be complicated, at least just a little. and i wish i could make a definite decision as to how i feel about it, but i cant. it's all grey and shaded. it's classic like that, and i don't even know what i'm saying half the time. just a jumble of words that i throw out the window at a seconds notice. so give me a minute because i could change my mind a million times between now and then. and i got the whole outfit laying on the floor. but i dont' deal with shit, i forget, lovingly, but i forget none the less. one cryptic bitch. i can do that too. no secrecy here, 'cause i tell everything. blurt it right out like a child hearing a dirty word for the first time, then repeat it like a parrot. my lip hurts, it's all swollen but no bruising which surprises the fuck out of me. i expected it to bruise like hell. i have this salt water spray stuff to use on it. it's weird. had frito pie for dinner, god it's been a while since i've that stuff. used to eat it all the time, makes for a cheap dinner. and i don't know what the hell to say. never know exactly what to say, not cool enough for that shit i guess. geoff comes back tomorrow. thats cool. not sure whats going on with all that mess. i'll figure it out. go to see my shrink on the 17th, nothing but good to report aside from my anxiety issue that has sprung up out of nowhere. in control for the most part. but my apathy as of late scares me. 1) because i hate when others are apathetic and 2) because there are some things i should care more about that i just don't. i need to take my taxes in, shouldn't put that off too much longer. rented the aristocrats, it was good. i really loved the indie look and feel of the movie. i wish i liked coffee enough to drink it as a replacement for soda, that would make life a little easier. still don't have the cable of the digital camera, sucktasic. hey, its a word in my tiny world. i just want to be something, not sure what that thing is. i wish more people knew me the way my family knows me. because then my outside appearance would totally fit and the whole thing would look more natural as a whole. i think thats the problem is that i have a different persona depending on the situation. i just want to be myself all the time, and have that be okay all the time. i know that at work i can't totally be myself, not because of my coworkers, but because of the customers. i act like a more tame version of myself. because my thought is that if they can't like the tame version how the hell will they ever accept me as i am. the point is that i just want to be myself all the time, and not feel like i am putting on some kind of guarded front. that's what i want. sounds easy, right? not really, but okay. its not weak to be a little vulnerable like i am day in and day out, it's human. simple. and maybe none of this is making any sense, and i'm sorry i it gives you the biggest headache in reading it. i am a reckless and restless little monster, maybe it's the pms for lack of a better explanation. maybe this i all just a little too self centered, but i like to think of it as introspective.