pudding

well aren't we just a little darling this evening. whatever. i'm bitter, a little. took too much for granted. whatever. i hate that word, you know that? whatever is so apathetic and dismissive, pisses me off, but here i am using it. oh the wondrous hypocrisy. that is my life, i am a hypocrite. love it, hate it, but it still is just that alone. have i ever mentioned that bob dylan is god? i'm sure i have, but i feel it more every passing day. so there is that worthless bit of information. i'm sure that won't make anyone's spiritual quest any easier, you have already ruled out most of the major religions and i throw in my tiny cult build around bob dylan. so far it's just me, so i guess that doesnt make for much of a cult. that is my golden calf. his music is just so fucking insightful. whatever. see that, i am even dismissive to myself, don't know how i expect others not to be. fucked up, thats the only way to go. and it's really too bad. but since when did i ever really care about good and bad. had the entire day off, did laundry. dyed my hair, medium brown, nothing spectacular, just covering my light roots. made a batch of body scrub, it smells like doughnuts, used that. i am silky smooth. lucky is climbing up the side of his cage, been there. lucky is my little neurotic counterpart. i live through him. i was supposed to get pretty today, that all went to hell. have to work the opening shift in the morning, ugh. i don't like opening. valentines day is going to be shit, i just know it. neither of us know what to do, i'll probably work my usual 11-8. thats cool, not really, but thats what i'll say. pretend you don't care when you really do. shut up. i don't need the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, i bicker with myself worse than they ever could. fight, fight, fight. and if you press the reset button you could make it all better, right? yeah, thats it, just press the button. maybe i have just let the good things slip away so often that i have surpassed my good things quota. read "the secret of life" by elizabeth wurtzel. it's great, and an easy little read too. very good. and if i took the advice that is in the book to heart i wouldn't be whining right now, because i have not exhausted all possible options. but then again there is that back-handed mentality of mine. save yourself.