pudding

i'm running out of coke and the fruit punch i drink to cut my caffeine intake a little. there are cans everywhere! i so restless, and of course i am alone again this evening. mom's at work and i'd go watch tv over there just for the change of scenery but i'm too lazy to leave my house tonight. the world must come to me. i'm pretty sure the internet was founded on that thought alone. i went to warrensburg and picked up the staples: birth control, milk, bread, ect... i have amassed a great collection of pens on my desk which at the slightest of nudges avalanche to the floor. tomorrow is a very important day, but i will talk about it later. weird how a song called don't cry makes you feel like balling your eyes out, huh? i'm so emo right now, it's terrible. i made a new play list today, guaranteed to keep me in a funk as long as i'm listening to it. it's one of those things, when you feel bad you don't want anyone trying to make you feel better until you are ready to feel better on your own. unfortunately with me i almost always have to hit rock bottom before i will start to feel better. and we are not here yet, not even close. it makes me wonder when the breakdown is coming. normally i go out and get a tattoo, or dye my hair, or cut my hair, or pierce something, or break something, or scream, or just something. but this time all i've done is cry and it sucks because at least those other things were gratifying in a way. when life makes a change, you make a change type things. god that fucking sounded like something you would hear on lifetime. but it's true you know. but i'm too broke to pierce or tattoo anything, and my hair can only change so many shades, and i've already broken a phone this year so that's enough of that. i don't know what to do, i never know what to do. and all this being alone shit is killing me because it only compounds my restlessness. work is a good distraction, but i don't get terribly many hours so i'm home a lot. maybe i'll get another job, that would be good. i could go back to my old workaholic ways. the stress kept me going, i perform great under stress. i made brownies (from a box, who the fuck do you think i am, martha stewart?) and they have not done their intended part in cheering me up. thus ends my random bitch session for the evening.