pudding

hooray for throwing off my sleeping pattern and covering myself in pizza sauce! that is all i have done today. work, nap, drop pizza on self. highly productive shit. and i was a whiny little fuck at work too, not to anyone, but in my head i bitched every time i had to move. the side salad is cruel and unusual work for someone who is probably the least healthy person on the planet, and it means walking an extra 10 feet (if that) more than i would have to ordinarily. i'm really going to have to make more of an effort to pick up bad habits to counteract all this activity. life is just not fair. and the dreaded appointment is tomorrow, le sigh. i wouldn't care so much if i knew the whole thing wasn't going to suck. but looking the suckage right in the eye just makes you feel defeated. yes, that is an appropriate description for a good lot of things lately. i feel defeated. and it totally busts the ol' ego bubble to have a failed marriage at twenty, and not be doing anything to further your life's goals, and to be broke. of course all this stuff is on the mend, but it is going to be a slow mend and i can pretty much guess that it's not going to be painless. but i won't go quietly, not the nature of the beast. have to scream and bite and kick and claw the whole fucking way. cause if you are going to go down you might as well. when i explain the thought process to others they don't get it. maybe it's better that way, i don't know anymore. don't ask me. perhaps the change of pace will do me some good. and you know its the truth, not the thing about moving, but the other thing that you just know. and the you knows who you are. oh sweet crazy cryptic speak. to me i'm actually saying something important. kind of. the eye roll is inserted here. my skin is so fucking dry and i've got claw marks all over from scratching so much, it's sexy. i tried to paint my toenails last night because i couldn't sleep and ended up scrapping the whole project. personal maintenance falls by the way side. beautiful sloth. i say that but have been obsessive about my goth girl eyebrows. makes no sense. i have another saint. forming my own pantheon these days. i don't know what to say these days, well i do but i don't. it all seems repetitive. but I cant just keep my mouth shut, then i wouldnt be me.