pudding

hello lukewarm can of coke, i have missed you. work was work, bitch to the man and all that rot. i've been trying to talk to the customers bescause they don't relate to me in the same way they relate to the other waitresses, and thus my pocket is slightly less lined. like the varying degrees of padding in a victorias secret bra. i am the lightly lined while others are more of an extreme push up. the ladies will know, hell i'm sure the guys will know. there was a moment i had today that i'm not going to tell you about, not because like most things it is too intimate to share with others. but rather i am highly embarassed that the thought came to my head, and more over my reaction to this instance only compounds my feelings of embarassment and afterward i prayed that no one had been watching. and honestly i would offer myself up to whoever reads but this is the first time in a while i have questioned my threshold for being taken out of my comfort zone. before i knew i was terrible at it. but i may be more of a shell having creature than originally thought. i had hoped i wasn't. everyone wants to be the cool one. and cool is so subjective, hard to attain. at some point you question if you can be cool at all. i can't be cool, i think it is impossible. i want to give up so many things right now, like a personal fucked up lent. to remove this small list of things from my life for 40 days. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all throw away the parts of ourselves that we feel we would be better of without, toss them aside like the emotional version of medical waste. just remove pieces like legos and put them in the specially marked bin. i guess then you would have to worry about throwing the bad out with the good. oh to be lego people. the emotional wreckage that has been created today has left me drained. i wish only to sprawl out on the floor and not feel a damn thing.