pudding

still all types of hush hush. new profile pic, not a very good one, bur devistatingly acurate. that is right people, i have squirrel cheeks damn it. maybe tomorrow i'll make waffles, never know, unpredictable. waffles are yummy, and i have finally lost my mind. but it has never looked so good. i don't know what i expect to come out of this, hell probably, every time any thing could be good for me it turns to hell and i get those same ole' self destuctive urges again. i have started to act like myself at work and my co-workers look at me like a nut, every day needs a dance break or five. i just want to be alright, but at the same time i am not sure if right is where i should be at all. i seem to thrive in uncomfortable chaotic situations and i feel good in those situations. feeling normal sucks ass and i am not sure if i ever want to feel that way again. not that suicidal depression is the highlight of my fucking life either. i dunno, that is my answer for most things. i just know that i look at people some days and realize what i don't want to be. you see a lot of people in the resteraunt who are suposed to be normal that have bigger issues than i do, not necessarily mental issues, but namely just the way they treat people, it's just shitty. i could really go for some fucking waffles! but i just ate a turkey pot pie so they will have to wait till morning. i made a playlist the other day that explains everything, i know what it means right off the bat, but if someone else were to listen to it they would have to listen carefully to understand...and they still might not get it, guess that is the point. it speaks to me. hard core. i can't justify the way i feel about certain things and if asked i wouldn't know where to start. i guess only a few things in this great big world still leave me speakless. but when i double over with laughter, and no one said a word....that is a great sign.