I didn't get to go see "stuff" today, didn't get in touch with the peoples, guess they didn't get my email. Instead we went up to this mountain place and took a short hike to the top of a mountain. .....but We didn't make it to the top cuz my ass was hyperventilating (I was short of breath from all the uphill) So we turned around and went back down. It was very pretty up there and dispite the fact I couldn't breathe I had a good time and want to go again. We saw a toad in the distance,but he hopped down a hole in the ground when we went to investigate him. We saw two walking sticks banging on this branch also. I really wish I had a better pair of lungs on me and that I wasn't such a wuss and could have made it to the top. It was however the best day I had all week.
((you can see pics under me and Kenno in my pic thingy))
I have NO clean laundry.
All I want to do is be naked and roll around and have lots of awesome sex. Thats all. That would complete this great day. I've been longing for it all week.
The lack of sexual closeness has really been getting me down man, Like I long for it so much. Even if it was just kissing.. or whatever.
Christ I wish I could just walk up to him and bang the hell outta him......
I wish things weren't so... the way they are in that department. I miss it. Oh so badly.
I really feel useless due to that and just other things that have been going on. Like Repulsive or something.
I feel loved, I love.. yet I don't really get to express it.
Or have it expressed..... this doesn't make sense I suppose.
I am in this panic in the back Of my mind that I am losing everything dear to me and it's only a matter of time. I'm also frozen, The words I want to say and that I long to hear simply won't come. Everything about me is in danger of being lost. My place I live, pets,,friends,my love,my sanity, my faith.. It's like I know this, but don't know what to do to save it. so I freeze and tuck it in the back of my mind to dwell on and panic but have no power to take control. I want to - but I'm scared. scared to open those doors.
I feel like an outsider. I have love and that's important to me- thats like oxygen man, and its like then theres everthing else. Love is rejected and when that happens very slowly everythign else melts away. My love is all or nothing,brutal and passionate. I am containing it as well as I can. In doing so it's killing me inside.
I feel liek I'm the only one in the world hurt by the pain, but I know that simply isn't true. yet I feel It's different and not like everyone else. Is it? I feel like I have had the world planted right in front of me... and I see everything all as I know it is destined to be.... but at the same Time I see how I am losing it. I have no way to grasp it.
I never thought something unseen could cause so much hurt, joy and confusion. This is truely a new experience.
I must be dumb.
since I'm alone.
xo