puddincat

Some things seem to be able to go so smoothly.. like I can plan them out perfecto- like this goes here,and oh yeah this goes there .. then I'll just do this.....
Then other things I have no control over, these are the things that burn so deep. sharp painful blows to my self esteem,soul,heart etc..(you know)annnyways I can't get it off my mind- I want to surrender to it, just give up and say fine-if that's the way it's gonna be then fine I'll adjust. Then that other voice creeps in going"what if??"
what if I don't give up?
If I keep trying?
What if I give up early just because it got hard and miss my chance?What if I pussy out and fuck shit up?
It's like there are these roads...OK- I'm at a fork(thats what they say right??) in the road and I could go either way. but right now one is misery to me and one is bliss...Now I'm fully aware of the fact that what is bliss now could be misery tommorow. But thats the road I want(the blissy one) but it seems so hopeless and hard and impossible right now. Iknow in my little heart thats the one I am destined to take.
ahhhhhhh... My heart breaks more and more everyday.. it's a losing battle.. so why don't I just lose already? cuz I'm a big fatty loser
Just wanna play dead for a while