So I've been doing some thinking. I know, I know; it's not the best way to start a journal entry, but bear with me... I went away for a short vacation not too long ago and found myself pretty happy during those days. However, when I came back I was quick to sink into the same pit of unhappiness I hadn't really even realised I was in before I left. Now, though, I was able to see just how unhappy I am and that fact made me even more so. In fact for the last month I've been more unhappy than ever in my life (even those times in the past when I was suicidally depressed, although I'm not at all depressed now). So, since I certainly don't want to be unhappy, I've been doing some thinking (remember?) and finally I've arrived at a conclusion as to why I've reached this state.
I thought for awhile that it was my job, my apartment, the people I have to see everyday that were making me this way, but I've come to understand that those things are actually pretty transient and don't have that much effect on my state of mind. What it is that's making me so unhappy is the singular lack of closeness to other human beings in my life. I've always been a 'loner' and never really needed alot of friends or family to get by, but at the same time, I've always had a few close friends whom I saw several times a week. That's not something I have the luxury of anymore. Don't get me wrong: I have plenty of friends, and consider some of them to be very good friends, I just don't have any close friends right now.
It's been eight years since I went out with anyone for more than a couple of dates, (and consequently about as long since I've been close enough to anyone to have slept with them) and I'm lucky if I get to see my good friends more than twice a month.
So, I guess what I need is new, better, closer relationships, but there's a sort of cycle in which not being around people much makes it hard to be around people and to thus get to know them. I like people, for the most part, it's just that I never know what to say to the ones I don't know pretty well.
So my big question now is, what is the solution? Open my heart? Sounds cheesy. Become a better conversationalist? Maybe, but I am shy. Is there something else? Something I'm missing? I just don't know. One would hope an answer presents itself before too much longer. And that I don't over-look the answer when it's given to me.
Well,
I thought for awhile that it was my job, my apartment, the people I have to see everyday that were making me this way, but I've come to understand that those things are actually pretty transient and don't have that much effect on my state of mind. What it is that's making me so unhappy is the singular lack of closeness to other human beings in my life. I've always been a 'loner' and never really needed alot of friends or family to get by, but at the same time, I've always had a few close friends whom I saw several times a week. That's not something I have the luxury of anymore. Don't get me wrong: I have plenty of friends, and consider some of them to be very good friends, I just don't have any close friends right now.
It's been eight years since I went out with anyone for more than a couple of dates, (and consequently about as long since I've been close enough to anyone to have slept with them) and I'm lucky if I get to see my good friends more than twice a month.
So, I guess what I need is new, better, closer relationships, but there's a sort of cycle in which not being around people much makes it hard to be around people and to thus get to know them. I like people, for the most part, it's just that I never know what to say to the ones I don't know pretty well.
So my big question now is, what is the solution? Open my heart? Sounds cheesy. Become a better conversationalist? Maybe, but I am shy. Is there something else? Something I'm missing? I just don't know. One would hope an answer presents itself before too much longer. And that I don't over-look the answer when it's given to me.
Well,
smack!