pubert

Oh god my own parents don't even want to see me. I can't go home for the weekend. I don't want to stay here. I had everything for a minute while i was here, the girl the kid, the shitty job. Now i've got no girl, can't ever go near the baby for the rest of my life, and an even shitter job that comes with all the time off i could ever hope for. This sucks. I just wanted to go back to bc see my band mates see my some old pals. Climb sarahs roof top and look at stars in the country. And most importantly mooch food and $ off my parents. But they don't want to spring for a trian ticket. They want me to move back home. I said the only way you'd catch moving back to battle creek was in an urn. This does not compute. Chris moveback home. Can't do that dad sorry thats would do me the least amount of good. I don't think miwaukee is my home anymore. I don't know where i belong. I feel like an utter failure in life. I'm 21 years old and i bus tables at a shitty itialin resturant. I work for peanuts. I work out and i play video games. I don't have $ or i'd buy a new book. I can't go back to the libary. Man i don't know what todo. I pushed 2 girls outta my life each with weeks of each other. I don't want to be here. I should've died 3 years ago. I should've never vested the time to go and meet someone who had to make me feel like maybe my presense on this planet was doing good. I should've never promised that person i woudn't hurt her by losing another. God damn that fucking promise. This could all be over and delt with and a lot of fucking people would be better off...but that fucking promise. Putting another tear in those beautiful brown eyes is the last thing i ever wanted todo. Now myselfishness is getting the best of me. But alas i just won't brake her heart. A promise is a promise. And besides seeing as i've offically lost it all, the only thing i got left is my word....mean time i'm running out smokes and room on my arms to put them out on.

Edit "blessing in disguise. I now because of the resent job set back, i quailfy for a PUBIC (not public) defender. Hopefully now i can dodge jail time, join the airforce, leave this place, leave the girl and daughter behind me and move on with my life. Question is is that i want todo move on? Or do i remain the acception to the rule of everyguy she ever dated. Maybe i'll be the one who leaves and comes back someday. While i'm at the wishfulthinking i also want to disapoint 2 girls at once."