This is all my fault. Things are spinning rapidly more and more out of controll. And just on the outskirts of the passing shit storm miles away from the eye I stand with my hands over my head in typical duck and cover fashion. I never wanted to hurt amanda. And most of all the one thing i was assured of in our entire relationship was that i'd never under any circumstance see harm done to her little girl. But by my own hand i accomplished all those things. I put marks on her baby, and i shattered her heart. She meets a very wonderful boy, while a mess i created evlopes her. I hope she feels happy when he's around. I hope he always makes her smile. I hope he'll all always be there for the both of them. Right now where i stand in my life i'm not....as much as i want to be...what she needs. But i'm gonna build myself into that person. Meanwhile her lips touch his and she could feel whole again. My lips touch a stranger and arms and legs go terrgant, stomach feels like its being eaten away by an ulcer. And all i can think about is how those lips don't belong to amanda. And how only on the occasion when i could find them and not devour her entire upper lip, i felt like i was connecting a puzzle pice.
The other day i bought a pack of smokes from the gas station on my way to work. As i went to pay for it the cashier noticed the picture of eve in my wallet. "that little girl is very pretty, is she yours?" she asked me. For a moment i stood blankly mouth gaping like fish looking for words. A million questions pop into my brain, all compelte with answers i don't want to hear, so to avoid the escalating akwardness of the situation I respond with a simple "i don't know...i was kinda hoping." The clerk shots me a puzzled look and can tell i'm not in the mood to discuss the details, pollitely she smiles and says "shes very beautiful, she looks a lot like you." I smile and laugh for a moment and respond with "Well she mostly takes after her mother."
I could have a million other girls (ok i'll be fair one or two...and only if they were drunk enough to the point where i seemed like a good idea). But a million other girls no matter how alike amanda, don't come with the complete package of the most amazing todler i've had the privlidge to converse with. I want to be part of both thier lives, but more importantly i want both of them in my life. So i can show them and myself what type of man i can become. I wonder how that little girl is coping with all this. God damn. If it wasn't for the fact i'd get thrown in jail, or hafta throw down with replacement me, i'd go over there one night un announced with the books and gifts for eve i still have. Read to her, play with her, put her to bed and rub her moms back, feet arms legs until all the tension i created from this mess is gone. But i can't. I can't even talk to her. I can't crack jokes or test pick up lines on her. I can't even call to make sure her baby's ok. I suppose in an emergency situation if she had no one else she could count on me. But before me there are but a plethora of people who jump hand over fist to rescue her and that baby. 99.9% are way more deserving of there affection and attention that i am.
Best advice i've recived so far in this situation.
"Don't be a fucking pussy and let johny law push you around. Fight for this. If you can pick yourself up from this and come out unscaved and do all those things with your life you meant to accomplish thats gonna look hot in a moms eyes. Not like swazey hot or valkilmer/cruise playing shirtless vollyball hot, but more like george young hot in the middle of blow. When he quits doing coke and shit for like 10 years and deadicates his life to his little girl. That kinda hot."
me "I could be johny deep hot?"
nick "Dude no one can be johny deep hot."
The other day i bought a pack of smokes from the gas station on my way to work. As i went to pay for it the cashier noticed the picture of eve in my wallet. "that little girl is very pretty, is she yours?" she asked me. For a moment i stood blankly mouth gaping like fish looking for words. A million questions pop into my brain, all compelte with answers i don't want to hear, so to avoid the escalating akwardness of the situation I respond with a simple "i don't know...i was kinda hoping." The clerk shots me a puzzled look and can tell i'm not in the mood to discuss the details, pollitely she smiles and says "shes very beautiful, she looks a lot like you." I smile and laugh for a moment and respond with "Well she mostly takes after her mother."
I could have a million other girls (ok i'll be fair one or two...and only if they were drunk enough to the point where i seemed like a good idea). But a million other girls no matter how alike amanda, don't come with the complete package of the most amazing todler i've had the privlidge to converse with. I want to be part of both thier lives, but more importantly i want both of them in my life. So i can show them and myself what type of man i can become. I wonder how that little girl is coping with all this. God damn. If it wasn't for the fact i'd get thrown in jail, or hafta throw down with replacement me, i'd go over there one night un announced with the books and gifts for eve i still have. Read to her, play with her, put her to bed and rub her moms back, feet arms legs until all the tension i created from this mess is gone. But i can't. I can't even talk to her. I can't crack jokes or test pick up lines on her. I can't even call to make sure her baby's ok. I suppose in an emergency situation if she had no one else she could count on me. But before me there are but a plethora of people who jump hand over fist to rescue her and that baby. 99.9% are way more deserving of there affection and attention that i am.
Best advice i've recived so far in this situation.
"Don't be a fucking pussy and let johny law push you around. Fight for this. If you can pick yourself up from this and come out unscaved and do all those things with your life you meant to accomplish thats gonna look hot in a moms eyes. Not like swazey hot or valkilmer/cruise playing shirtless vollyball hot, but more like george young hot in the middle of blow. When he quits doing coke and shit for like 10 years and deadicates his life to his little girl. That kinda hot."
me "I could be johny deep hot?"
nick "Dude no one can be johny deep hot."