pubert

Man i look like hell. My pupils are pinpricks as opposed to yesterday when they grew into flying sausers. The translusent boundries between this world and the spiritual we're blured. In the coke like rush of ephoria in a head filled with disossiates stubling accross the long forgotten peers that cruble into the lake, knees knobby from all that pollution in the 50's trying my best to stay afloat on the surface. I realized something. This is the first time i am truly alone. Be it by my own enginering or my own habbitual way of fucking up the only good things i had going for me but reguardless the blame or the reason, i am still alone. Tuesday was sarahs last day. Than from that point all legal duties...and keeping chris from being too depressed we're apointed to lindsey. Although my privious lawyer had advised me of the risks. And for the rechord it was fun, but theres only so much grown up babysiting i can take. For the first time i get what she meant by the puppydog routine. Something about having to be the mature one takes the fun of being immature all the time. Oh well no one got hurt, no one has a crank problem (mines pending on my behavior and $ flow for the week) and finally after baby sitting (it seemed like) i got sometime alone. It was needed. Although i've been whining for a friend this whole week. Sometimes we just need subtle reminders that some people will always be our friends and other people just aren't worth some of the heart ache of past coupe years if you name isn't even so much as remembered! Reguardless i'm re-writing my tale of the one that got away (or the one i pushed away). My trip brought about one starling revelation...i have a drug problem. Not like i'm addicted to one particular drug (besides pot....but it goes so good with everything). I like drugs. I like tripping, i like meth speed coke, pcp amt, 5meo-mixed with amt. Lsd shrooms. but most of all i like it all to much. I go back to the chemical imbalance that already rocks my world. Triping minus the mild delira and impaired movement and speach patterns makes me feel whole. Being the guy she said "i love you too" made up for never being able to feel that way again.

Well i've got some tought choices to make ahead but hopefully they'll leave things for the better. The first choice no more drugs. The second just go a coupe weeks with out braking somegirls heart. Third join the airforce.

The last vision that came in my trip was scary but made a lot of sense. Not scary in the sense that monsters we're attacking or some of that nonsense. But that it goes back to something my mom said, which at first sounded like desperation. But if this all works out i actully could see that working. But who knows. It was just a trip vision i'll have to work at interpeting it later.

Ahh that first day of soberity!!!!!.....

....I need a beer