I hope shes happy. She needs to be happy right now. Considering all i put her through. It makes my stomach sick to think that she could wake up next to someone and feel complete. To think that little girl memories of me will be replaced with the fact i abused her. I have my trial this mourning. the boys aren't talking to me. Sarah sounds extremely bored and i'm gonna make her wait around all day while i'm in court for this.
I'm debating what todo. Do i plead guilty???? I mean maybe i should just to go jail. But than again they'd kill me in jail. Hehh I wonder if when this is all over if i'll get to be her friend still.
Over the past couple nights i realized something. When i met her my life was a mess. I was in no condition to be dating someone (if you can call it that). But that aside i didn't want to lose out on someone who who can make even the worst of days seem ok. But i was in no place to be dating or considering the role care taker for a child. I've caused her to meet with social workers who want to take her baby away, i put bruises on the most adorable 2 yearold girl who honestly gave me so many moments. In the past couple days i had an opportunity to be with someone else who is very special to me. But at first my thoughts we're all i want is someone else right now. But than i realized its more than that. I still haven't fixed the bullshit from 3 years ago my heads still messed up. I need to fix that first before i can even think about dating someone. And for me to date someone again i need to get over the one i'm currently stuck on. Which i honestly don't see happening for the next couple years.
I so want to brake the rules. I want to call her so bad hear from her. Tell about the past couple days. Maybe even get my ghostbusters dvd back and give her those books my parents left for eve. I just want to both of thier lives. As for the fact shes talking to other boys....eh i won't lie and pretend like it doesn't hurt. But she desirves the happiness i couldn't give her on that level I tried to bring her. she desirves everything good life has to offer and i hope that this boy gives her those things. As for me i need to sober up. Some time in the airforce away from it all would do me some good. Considering i'll never be able to teach once this is all over means i need to find something else. With airforce training i could get back into networking. Oh well i'll do something i hate in exchange for hand over fist with cash. God damn do i want to talk to her.
I'm debating what todo. Do i plead guilty???? I mean maybe i should just to go jail. But than again they'd kill me in jail. Hehh I wonder if when this is all over if i'll get to be her friend still.
Over the past couple nights i realized something. When i met her my life was a mess. I was in no condition to be dating someone (if you can call it that). But that aside i didn't want to lose out on someone who who can make even the worst of days seem ok. But i was in no place to be dating or considering the role care taker for a child. I've caused her to meet with social workers who want to take her baby away, i put bruises on the most adorable 2 yearold girl who honestly gave me so many moments. In the past couple days i had an opportunity to be with someone else who is very special to me. But at first my thoughts we're all i want is someone else right now. But than i realized its more than that. I still haven't fixed the bullshit from 3 years ago my heads still messed up. I need to fix that first before i can even think about dating someone. And for me to date someone again i need to get over the one i'm currently stuck on. Which i honestly don't see happening for the next couple years.
I so want to brake the rules. I want to call her so bad hear from her. Tell about the past couple days. Maybe even get my ghostbusters dvd back and give her those books my parents left for eve. I just want to both of thier lives. As for the fact shes talking to other boys....eh i won't lie and pretend like it doesn't hurt. But she desirves the happiness i couldn't give her on that level I tried to bring her. she desirves everything good life has to offer and i hope that this boy gives her those things. As for me i need to sober up. Some time in the airforce away from it all would do me some good. Considering i'll never be able to teach once this is all over means i need to find something else. With airforce training i could get back into networking. Oh well i'll do something i hate in exchange for hand over fist with cash. God damn do i want to talk to her.