I want release but not redemption. It feels like i'm traped on a glass elevator plumiting into dantes inferno. I'm a god damned mess of guilt and greed. I hold in my hands a letter i wrote, and i'm debating weather or not i should send it still. I figure if i drop a pirated copy of the latest harry potter i'll get some brownie points. Considering all my cool points are used up, i doubt the intended audiance of my letter would even bother with the envolope. Greese the wheels a little.
But why do i want to send this letter? Because it adiquitly states how i feel? Or maybe its because of this lingering sense of pride i still have about my ability to put emotions onto paper and make them sing like choir girls? Or maybe because this is the first time in my life where i'm over come with an emotion so strong it is beging to encompass itslef over my subconsisous and alter everything I do. For the first time in my life i'm honestly scared. This... fear, the most primal of all emotions.
I'm not scared about court. I'm not scared about being alone for the rest of my life (which ok yeah i really am, but i'm cute and charming and an excelllent liar, which is evil but the only real way i can ever have my short sword fenced with again). I'm scared about this marine business. I dont fear my own life or death consiquences. Its the fear i have about taking a life. I'm not a killer. I'm a leader maybe? But not a killer. I fear watching someone i care about (completly platonic) have there face turned into a puddle of brain matter and goo. I fear i'm gonna be brain washed at boot camp and never return as christopher robin. I mean (well according to my shrinks anyway i'm not) but i have in the past (like everyone) questioned there own existance.
My willpower can be strong. I mean kicked heroin for christ sakes. Ok i know shooting 18 to 25 times doesn't make you a junkie, but giving up cold turkey and saying never again? Thats a pretty powerfull feat. OH well what the fuck do I do? Send the letter?
Bob's idea was wait till after this court thing is over. If i still feel i have to send it, send it. Good idea, if you have patience, which i dont. SO all in all i'm still fucked up and confused, stuck on a girl whose forgotten me and made me into a running joke amoungst her peers. Oh well not like i don't desirve this. Still sucks though!
But why do i want to send this letter? Because it adiquitly states how i feel? Or maybe its because of this lingering sense of pride i still have about my ability to put emotions onto paper and make them sing like choir girls? Or maybe because this is the first time in my life where i'm over come with an emotion so strong it is beging to encompass itslef over my subconsisous and alter everything I do. For the first time in my life i'm honestly scared. This... fear, the most primal of all emotions.
I'm not scared about court. I'm not scared about being alone for the rest of my life (which ok yeah i really am, but i'm cute and charming and an excelllent liar, which is evil but the only real way i can ever have my short sword fenced with again). I'm scared about this marine business. I dont fear my own life or death consiquences. Its the fear i have about taking a life. I'm not a killer. I'm a leader maybe? But not a killer. I fear watching someone i care about (completly platonic) have there face turned into a puddle of brain matter and goo. I fear i'm gonna be brain washed at boot camp and never return as christopher robin. I mean (well according to my shrinks anyway i'm not) but i have in the past (like everyone) questioned there own existance.
My willpower can be strong. I mean kicked heroin for christ sakes. Ok i know shooting 18 to 25 times doesn't make you a junkie, but giving up cold turkey and saying never again? Thats a pretty powerfull feat. OH well what the fuck do I do? Send the letter?
Bob's idea was wait till after this court thing is over. If i still feel i have to send it, send it. Good idea, if you have patience, which i dont. SO all in all i'm still fucked up and confused, stuck on a girl whose forgotten me and made me into a running joke amoungst her peers. Oh well not like i don't desirve this. Still sucks though!
