psynapse

tonight i watched the final episode of temptation island. it was the first time i'd seen it, but i got sucked in as soon as i put it on. at first i wanted to vomit, but i couldn't change the channel. it was bordering on the surreal...all these beautiful people gallavanting around in tropical island paradises, while being goaded into ruining their relationships. imagine having your 2 or 3 year relationship with a person you truly love actively sabatoged by fox network executives. i couldn't believe this was actually on the air...that people would subject themselves to it. at the end of the show, however, when the couples had to decide to stay together or break up (all but one of the four couples broke up, by the way) i began to think of a slightly different angle. as absurd as it is to be involved in the show, could it possibly be worth it? the one couple that stayed together actually made me think "maybe". after they professed their love to each other, and said things like, "baby, the time we spent with the other people just made me realize that no one else is as good as you", they had a tearful hug-and-kiss session culminating with more declarations of love and hope for a wonderful future together. at that moment i wished for nothing more in my life than to be able to have that experience. a girl who i am madly in love with looking into my eyes and telling me she couldn't bear to be with anyone else, tears streaming down her cheeks and mine, smiling from ear to ear, our hands shaking as we fumbled to hold each other as close as possible. i can only imagine the joy that must have been in those peoples hearts at that exact moment. maybe this "love" crap isn't all bad after all? daily i try to convince myself that it will never happen for me. that type of sappy, heart-wrenching joy will forever be just beyond my fingertips. i try to keep telling myself that, to forget about it, to learn to live with my lonliness and bitter, cynical heart. unfortunately for me, i just cannot seem to stamp out that final smoldering ember of hope. i don't want to be dragged through the mud of disappointment anymore, just because i can't get rid of the thought that someday, someone will fall in love with me. the frustration is becoming too much to bear...