psynapse

i am so lonely. i've gotten to the point where i'm starting to question if maybe, subconciously, i enjoy being alone. now that i've met a girl who is everything i look for, and i know there is no hope of anything developing, it's like giant shakers of salt being poured directly onto my heart...one big open wound. most people would say (i think) that going out on dates and hanging out with girls that are amazingly interesting, beautiful and fun to be around would make a lonely person happy. but for me, this is just not the case. any sort of event like that only serves to highlight the dull, throbbing pain of being alone all the time. as evidenced by my near-inability to get out of bed all day today, and the tears that have been on the verge of spilling out of my eyes whenever i think of her face. i wrote a couple days ago in this very journal about how i would like to die on my birthday. i have changed my mind and would like to die right now, symmetry be damned.