psynapse

so here i am. monday afternoon. what's new? who knows. what's old? i forgot. in just a matter of moments, everything can change. but will it? how long will my life just clickety-clack along on these same tracks? i want to create things. i want to be involved in something. but i'm so tired. all i really want to do is lay down in bed and wrap myself in blankets and close my eyes. the house is a mess, i can't get my god damn cd maker to work right. my laziness and ineptitude is forcing me to miss things that i might enjoy, such as the sg cd swap. many concerts have come and gone without me in attendance. concerts i would have never missed in the past. i just can't make myself go outside. my mind is constantly focused on my weight. i feel totally disgusting, whether i look it or not (although i think i do). i just want to be comfortable with myself, comfortable around other people. i want to have energy to do the things i want to do. i don't want to just lie down and let them break over my head like waves. i'm tired of the anger i feel towards myself whenever i don't get something accomplished, and yet, it's harder than ever to get anything accomplished. you'd think that hating the feeling of inactivity would be enough to spark me into activity, but it isn't. and so far, i don't know what is. it's just so easy to stay in the same cycle. painful, lonely, depressing, and frustrating, but easy. and in the end, easy always wins out. someday....












...things may change. but i doubt it. not if i have anything to do with it.