Dreams...
The mind is a funy thing. I do not buy into interpretation of dreams, mystical of Freudian, but they can help you realize things. I had two dreams today about losses I had. In the first, I was on the phone with my mother, and we both knew that she was going to die. Knowing that, I was resolved to go be with her. I woke up on the verge of tears, realizing that if I had known what she did not tell me, I would have gone home to comfort her.
When I lived in Holland almost 3 years ago, I rented an apartment where I could host people because I had hoped that she or my other parents would come visit. She could not because the other kids were going throgh a stressful phase, and eeded some guidance. Later, she told me that she regretted not going and sharing some of that time with me. There was a clear sense of loss in her words. I lost track of the times after that when she expressed a desire of having spent more time with me, and I think that, and her having stopped smoking probably meant that she knew what was in the cards.
There comes a point when your parents become children. I wish she had let me see her fragility so that I could have had the chance to shelter her.
The other dream was about a more recent loss. It also made me realize things I would have done differently in my more recet loss had I known then what I know now. In a sense, I am glad I did not, because I prefer to realize that I gave someone too much credit than not enough. Pain subsides, as it did, but if I had erred on the side of unkindness, the moral deficit would continue to bother me indefinitely.
Misplaced love then has made me treasure those whom I love now even more.
The mind is a funy thing. I do not buy into interpretation of dreams, mystical of Freudian, but they can help you realize things. I had two dreams today about losses I had. In the first, I was on the phone with my mother, and we both knew that she was going to die. Knowing that, I was resolved to go be with her. I woke up on the verge of tears, realizing that if I had known what she did not tell me, I would have gone home to comfort her.
When I lived in Holland almost 3 years ago, I rented an apartment where I could host people because I had hoped that she or my other parents would come visit. She could not because the other kids were going throgh a stressful phase, and eeded some guidance. Later, she told me that she regretted not going and sharing some of that time with me. There was a clear sense of loss in her words. I lost track of the times after that when she expressed a desire of having spent more time with me, and I think that, and her having stopped smoking probably meant that she knew what was in the cards.
There comes a point when your parents become children. I wish she had let me see her fragility so that I could have had the chance to shelter her.
The other dream was about a more recent loss. It also made me realize things I would have done differently in my more recet loss had I known then what I know now. In a sense, I am glad I did not, because I prefer to realize that I gave someone too much credit than not enough. Pain subsides, as it did, but if I had erred on the side of unkindness, the moral deficit would continue to bother me indefinitely.
Misplaced love then has made me treasure those whom I love now even more.
abarat:
I remember I told someone last year while having a conversation about the death of someone else's mother that I hoped my son passed before me. He thought that was morbid and kind of creepy. My reasoning is I would rather feel the pain of loosing my son then have him feel the pain of loosing his mom. I've never felt the pain of loosing a really close loved one. The last line in your journal entry is on target, once again you have captured in words what I have felt everyday for months.