prudence

i don't want to be too much of a downer, but i'm depressed, still. if you're looking for a bubbly, happy journal entry, please read elsewhere.

i mentioned before that i was depressed about reality. reality that has hit me like a ton of bricks. the reality of things like:

love
marriage
friends
family
health
sex
money
work
life
growing old
death

the scary, painful reality of admitting that certain things in my life, or my family's life, might not be as great as i tell myself they are. i'm depressed, and i want to cry, but i'm afraid to. allowing myself to cry would mean that i was accepting that i'm unhappy. then, after i accept it, what do i do next? where do i go from there? with many of the things i'm unhappy about, there is no real escape, except to die, and i'm not going to do that. i believe that i gave up the 'right' to commit suicide once i had a child. have you ever known anyone who had a parent who commited suicide? that is the absolute worst you can do to a child. they never heal from it.

so, instead
i eat
and sleep
and hide
and avoid
and watch tv
and stare at my computer