prudence

i love taking really long walks. it helps me to think, and to meditate. in my teens, and early twenties, my friend eve and i used to take really long walks all the time, and just talk. we'd talk about life, the universe, everything. i love taking walks by myself, too, but i really miss having someone to have deep, meaningful conversations with while we're walking.

i guess i just really miss eve, though. she was the one person i could talk to about ANYTHING, including things about myself that i was embarrassed or ashamed of. she was the first person i openly discussed bisexuality and masturbation [it wasn't discussed as freely then as it is among kids now], and the first person i admitted having an eating disorder to. she's always been the only person i can talk to when i'm too ashamed to show people that my life or relationships aren't as hunky-dory as they seem. i could talk to her, and she would just listen, non-judgementally. she could always empathize with me, and never made me feel stupid or guilty crazy about my feelings. she was better than any therapist i've ever had.

i always miss her, but there are times when i absolutely ACHE for her. she's also kind of hard to get a hold of. now that she's married and has a kid, her life is a little more settled [before she was one of those people who was constantly picking up and moving out of town/state, w/o telling anyone...if i didn't still have her mother's phone number memorized, i'd never be able to track her down!], but she's also really busy with her own life. even if i did get a chance to talk to her- to really talk to her, there would still be the sadness of knowing that we'd never be young again, and we'd never be able to have the fun we used to have again, and never be able to take our long, thoughtful walks again.

i really need some girly time. i hope coco takes me up on the offer to go dress shopping in berkeley with her. i'm also looking forward to seeing michele at soundbotique. i need to dance...before the prom. w/o all the stresses of 'performing' or meeting a lot of new people, or people that i wish were, or weren't there. i need to be able to really let go.

what i really want, though, is to just be able to stay in with girlfriends to cuddle and talk and watch movies. i wish i had someone to do that with