I've been listening to Muse all weekend. If the name of the band is any indication, it makes me want to write music and lyrics again.
i've been in a familiar spot lately. i've been doting over someone that i have no real chance with. that's fine, really. it just means that i have to settle for what i can get.
i've been told on a few occasions that i just like being 'in love' and that i didn't really know what it meant at the time... what is love then? is it trust? is it devotion? is it friendship the crosses over into the realm of the romantic? is it merely lust and desire? is it infatuation? is love something superficial? i can honestly say that i've felt all of these things towards many people... how am i supposed to sift through these emotions and determine what is something worthwhile and what is wasted energy?
i know who the first person i loved really was... even though i didn't love them at the time. Love didn't happen until well after we were involved, but to this day i love this woman. She's my best friend.
my first feeling of really being 'IN love' was afterward, with someone who i'm debating my long term feelings about... and whether or not i was just in love at the time, and never really felt the sort of love that i understand now.
the last time i was 'in love'... ha... i mean... there will always be a person who you someday meet and completely wrecks your world, and afterward you should hate them for everything they've done. you should wish the worse upon them, but you can't. you stumble upon their pictures, or their letters, and these things never fail to break you down into little pieces. and this person will haunt you. they'll come uninvited into your dreams. they'll reappear just in time to shatter the armor you've begun to build up around yourself...
most recently, i've met people, i've dated. only once have things 'clicked' in such a way that excites me and gives me any hope... and yet, i realize that i must approach things from a much more calm level... and that romance isn't something that's in the cards. and perhaps the friendship is the more important aspect anyway.
let's be honest, you and i. i spend the evenings listening to my roommate and his girlfriend, the springs of the bed upstairs, or to the silence of the San Franciscan night, staring at my victorian ceiling, tears in my eyes, and i'm completely convinced that none of my friendships will ever achieve the level that i desire, and that i'll be forced to 'settle' for whatever comes along. i could lose myself in my school work (which i'm rather bored with), or in music and art, or in wasting my time on video games.
these things truly seem pointless to me without someone to share these experiences with. call me co-dependant, whatever. i just would rather have someone to share my energy with, who i can use as a muse, who will actually allow me to live outside my head for once.
is there someone in your life, that when you see them, you hold your breath, and struggle to contain yourself around them? is there someone who appears in your dreams, and the next morning, you stare at the ceiling and smile because, even if it's only in your head, you've spent a few moments in their space?
-Wm. (27.04.2008 23:48)
i've been in a familiar spot lately. i've been doting over someone that i have no real chance with. that's fine, really. it just means that i have to settle for what i can get.
i've been told on a few occasions that i just like being 'in love' and that i didn't really know what it meant at the time... what is love then? is it trust? is it devotion? is it friendship the crosses over into the realm of the romantic? is it merely lust and desire? is it infatuation? is love something superficial? i can honestly say that i've felt all of these things towards many people... how am i supposed to sift through these emotions and determine what is something worthwhile and what is wasted energy?
i know who the first person i loved really was... even though i didn't love them at the time. Love didn't happen until well after we were involved, but to this day i love this woman. She's my best friend.
my first feeling of really being 'IN love' was afterward, with someone who i'm debating my long term feelings about... and whether or not i was just in love at the time, and never really felt the sort of love that i understand now.
the last time i was 'in love'... ha... i mean... there will always be a person who you someday meet and completely wrecks your world, and afterward you should hate them for everything they've done. you should wish the worse upon them, but you can't. you stumble upon their pictures, or their letters, and these things never fail to break you down into little pieces. and this person will haunt you. they'll come uninvited into your dreams. they'll reappear just in time to shatter the armor you've begun to build up around yourself...
most recently, i've met people, i've dated. only once have things 'clicked' in such a way that excites me and gives me any hope... and yet, i realize that i must approach things from a much more calm level... and that romance isn't something that's in the cards. and perhaps the friendship is the more important aspect anyway.
let's be honest, you and i. i spend the evenings listening to my roommate and his girlfriend, the springs of the bed upstairs, or to the silence of the San Franciscan night, staring at my victorian ceiling, tears in my eyes, and i'm completely convinced that none of my friendships will ever achieve the level that i desire, and that i'll be forced to 'settle' for whatever comes along. i could lose myself in my school work (which i'm rather bored with), or in music and art, or in wasting my time on video games.
these things truly seem pointless to me without someone to share these experiences with. call me co-dependant, whatever. i just would rather have someone to share my energy with, who i can use as a muse, who will actually allow me to live outside my head for once.
is there someone in your life, that when you see them, you hold your breath, and struggle to contain yourself around them? is there someone who appears in your dreams, and the next morning, you stare at the ceiling and smile because, even if it's only in your head, you've spent a few moments in their space?
-Wm. (27.04.2008 23:48)