As trite as it may sound, I want to find peace within. I don't want the external to reign over my capacity for happiness. And these days, I question if I use my son as an excuse to focus on the external, to grip so hard in a futile attempt to control the uncontrollable.
These are trying times for most families and I'm guessing I'm not the only one out there struggling with surrender to the ebb and flow of things. I can't be the only one questioning every decision and wishing for a tiny glimpse of 5 years from now to see if I did right. Every choice seems life-threatening.
Did I save my marriage by moving back? Did I salvage my son's chance for a quality education? Or did I trade one set of problems for another? It's hard to tell when we yet again find ourselves in a state of limbo. I want to invest myself in a place, love my friends and grow strong roots. Just not here.
These are trying times for most families and I'm guessing I'm not the only one out there struggling with surrender to the ebb and flow of things. I can't be the only one questioning every decision and wishing for a tiny glimpse of 5 years from now to see if I did right. Every choice seems life-threatening.
Did I save my marriage by moving back? Did I salvage my son's chance for a quality education? Or did I trade one set of problems for another? It's hard to tell when we yet again find ourselves in a state of limbo. I want to invest myself in a place, love my friends and grow strong roots. Just not here.
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I should try that sometime. But it's scary, you know?
-TM