primrosepathos

so sadness. you are my friend even when i am happy. or no friend at all. more like a familar comfort. I guess im not really that sad right now. What would the word be to describe me? or string of words? I dont know. i guess to me it really doesnt matter.

Lately ive been melancholy and wistful over some friends and former lovers. Ive also took steps back to look at my retarded self and its actions...its idealizations. my snap judgements of people. of myself. my crazinesses.

i think i have started to accept the fact that im crazy. actually. i already accepted that. i guess i am now okay with allowing that to be common knowledge and not trying to keep that from prying eyes. even making fun of it. more like with it. for instance. i break commitments habitually. lol. i guess thats ironic. i am committed to breaking committments. anyways. for instance.

today my friend phil called me. (he only calls me when he wants something. like a partner on some new hairbrained scheme, to use me *for whatever reason*, so basically whenever he needs something) he was like hey, i talked to so and so and such. do you want to play music with this guy and so and so? blah blah blah i was like sure. he was like well go ahead and think it over a bit before you say yay or nay, i wouldnt want to get something together if its not going to be consistent. blah blah blah" i was like okay. im game. at least if my crazy mind isnt left to wander around long enough not to do it. i mean i actually said that.

anyways i thought it was pretty funny.

okay. i have a friend here. so i better stop typing this meaningless drivel. not that it really matters, doing one thing is just as arbitrary as doing another, for it is all meaningless, minus the meanings we put to it, as far as we know.

peace.