ALONE IN DECEMBER by Underoath

You always amazed me
But that's the past I kept silent and it rained for days My insides were drenched
But I guess that's the part of growing up I never wanted to learn
And I grew into the *girl
That you never knew
But I wouldn't be this way If it wasn't for you
100 thank you's
If this is love Fairy tales never came true Judies are black in full bloom And I died in the womb
Take it back, all that's gone It's all still there like you left it December stayed the same Nothing ever changed but you Every dream covered in dents
Love can't fly tonight
Couples will rest, I'll be sleepless
So cry yourself to sleep
This is about broken hearts
This is about me
Bending again for nothing
I'd run to you but pain awaits
I'm coming home But I'll be late
No deeper than imagination can be Sight with nothing to see
What's faith if I can't believe
It's everything A cure, but I make it a disease
God take me because I hate me

that is my favorite song. not just at the moment or anything..my favorite song ever.
tonight i was listening to that song, looking around on myspace.com and i came across this profile of a really beautiful boy only to discover he had committed suicide recently. there were all these fucked testimonials that made me cry.
death always feels a step away.
heres some of the stuff his friends wrote..it was very moving.
and maybe it will inspire more people than just me to take the phrase 'love life' a little more seriously.

-fuck you for doing this to me. what i would give to just have you call me so i could hear your voice one last time, what i would give to have you next to me so i could touch you one last time, what i would give to have your shadow painted next to mine.

-So, i dont know where to start, all i can say is that i am really mad at you man and that i just dont understand, but who am i to understand something like this.

-fuck you for doing this to me. i never thought you were ths selfish. all i want to know is that your ok. to know that you have no pain to feel. to know that wherever you are you will finally be happy. that you will finally understand how important your life was. its heartbreaking to know that the only way for you to figure that out was to give up. fuck you for doing this to me, you know im not strong enough to handle this.
i grieve for you. there is a big empty hole in my heart and im not even the same.

-i told you everyone loved you....and now you see how much everyone really did love you...i am not sorry anymore for getting you in so much trouble...those memories are ours baby...no one elses

-I miss you love. I miss you insanely. I want to know why. why did you do it. You talked about it, I just wish it could have been prevented. Your in a better place, and I talk to you, I do and I hope you are listening, and see that my hearts for you, and I will see you again.

-miss you. when are you coming back from your vacation in paris?

-im empty. i want to scream and cry and break down but all i can do is not breathe. i cant breathe knowing you arent here and i will never see your beautiful face again. all i have left is my memories and even those fade away.

-so fuck you for doing this to me. my heart is dying and im already dead. you killed me that day. just know that i will always love you and we will meet again someday and i will never let you go.

i'm sorry this just moved me so much i read every single thing that this boys friends wrote about him. suicide is just awful. my friend ryan passed away october 16th. he did both of my tattoos and was an amazing person...his death wasn't really suicide..it was pills and alcohol.
not knowing makes it better or worse..i'm still not sure.
time to go. night night. Xo.