Ok, so I promised I would do the 20 items thing despite my emancipation thanks to seandave. And I will. But I spent an inordinate and unwieldy amount of time on a listserve e-mail regarding a very important election coming up. I will relate the e-mail here, removing all context of who the candidates are (other than people I know in some capacity or another). I will get to the 20 things, I promise. In the mean time, enjoy!
As the election day to end all elections sneaks ever closer, much like the shadow of death over roughly 65% of Sarasota's residents, it seems we have two front running candidates: Max "Empirical Existentialist" Ferretti and Whitney "I will gut you like a fucking" Fish. Yes, there has been mud-slinging and much aspersion cast from ... well, one side on to the other. It is time for some objectivity in this debate, so I will weigh in my opinion. I will do so in the form of lists! (Because they seem to be all the rage lately)
Max Furry Yeti Pros and Cons
Pros:
1)He has been known to hang with the likes of Ultra-Man, Godzilla, and just about every Power Ranger villain (post Rita's wand throwing). This is as a result of his much maligned tallness. Look, there's nothing he can do about this, it's how he rolls.
2)He is a benevolent-ish dictator. Just the other day, he asked his subjects if they wanted to be tortured that day. He did it anyway, but the point is he had the courtesy to ask.
3)He knows alchemy. I've seen him do it.
Cons
1) He claims to be good at Halo. C'mon Max, we all know how games between you and I go. When the dust settles and the smoke dramatically clears the picture is always the same. Me, with your team's banner, majestically humping your limp, lifeless body.
2) He really isn't very sneaky. His tallness does... OH MY GOD! Max was just behind me! I just asked him how long he had been there then he kind of shimmered and vanished! Wow, um scratch that.
3 He's an under achiever. I mean, he could be running for President of the Multiverse. That's more than just one verse (same as the first).
Whitney "Superlative here" Fish
Pros:
1) She took down Pablo Escobar single handedly in a dramatic fight once. He came at her with a gun and she flicked some gum in the barrel as he shot the gun and it exploded in his hand. Then when Pablo had soot all over his face Whitney said, "Looks like the plan backfired." Oh man, ZING Mr. Escobar! Do you need some ointment for that burn?
2) She has a very supportive cabinet at her disposal. The loyalty she inspires from her friends is uncanny. Indeed, the ferocity with which her compatriots have attacked Max suggests a degree mind control and manipulation on the part of Miss Fish. (Which reminds me. If we wanted your cross-continental opinion Miss Fisk, we would have given it to you. <3).
3) She can shoot the wings off a fly at 100 yards. With a crossbow! (GASP!)
Cons
1)What's with the hair? Seriously. Did you fall into a vat of special effects hair dye or something? Perhaps Kool-Aid.
2)She professes a stellar ability at Doom. And? What is it 1993? So how many times can one person type "IDDQD" and "IDKFA" before they realize it's the year 2005? (perhaps even "IDBEHOLD"?)
3) She... um... smells? (WHISPERED: I don't really know her that well).
So there you have it. An objective opinion from an objective human. I think I summed up the core issues at heart in this election nicely. Though I frankly can't see either of them living up to the legacy of the current President, the band Guitar Wolf. But, I mean, it's damn near impossible to rock that hard, and with such vigor. Watch the movie Wild Zero if you doubt my word, which is law.
Ian " LOCK AND LOLL!!!" Frazier
(PS: Super Smash Brothers Melee is in every way, shape, and form, superior to it's predecessor. Just wanted it to be know.)
As the election day to end all elections sneaks ever closer, much like the shadow of death over roughly 65% of Sarasota's residents, it seems we have two front running candidates: Max "Empirical Existentialist" Ferretti and Whitney "I will gut you like a fucking" Fish. Yes, there has been mud-slinging and much aspersion cast from ... well, one side on to the other. It is time for some objectivity in this debate, so I will weigh in my opinion. I will do so in the form of lists! (Because they seem to be all the rage lately)
Max Furry Yeti Pros and Cons
Pros:
1)He has been known to hang with the likes of Ultra-Man, Godzilla, and just about every Power Ranger villain (post Rita's wand throwing). This is as a result of his much maligned tallness. Look, there's nothing he can do about this, it's how he rolls.
2)He is a benevolent-ish dictator. Just the other day, he asked his subjects if they wanted to be tortured that day. He did it anyway, but the point is he had the courtesy to ask.
3)He knows alchemy. I've seen him do it.
Cons
1) He claims to be good at Halo. C'mon Max, we all know how games between you and I go. When the dust settles and the smoke dramatically clears the picture is always the same. Me, with your team's banner, majestically humping your limp, lifeless body.
2) He really isn't very sneaky. His tallness does... OH MY GOD! Max was just behind me! I just asked him how long he had been there then he kind of shimmered and vanished! Wow, um scratch that.
3 He's an under achiever. I mean, he could be running for President of the Multiverse. That's more than just one verse (same as the first).
Whitney "Superlative here" Fish
Pros:
1) She took down Pablo Escobar single handedly in a dramatic fight once. He came at her with a gun and she flicked some gum in the barrel as he shot the gun and it exploded in his hand. Then when Pablo had soot all over his face Whitney said, "Looks like the plan backfired." Oh man, ZING Mr. Escobar! Do you need some ointment for that burn?
2) She has a very supportive cabinet at her disposal. The loyalty she inspires from her friends is uncanny. Indeed, the ferocity with which her compatriots have attacked Max suggests a degree mind control and manipulation on the part of Miss Fish. (Which reminds me. If we wanted your cross-continental opinion Miss Fisk, we would have given it to you. <3).
3) She can shoot the wings off a fly at 100 yards. With a crossbow! (GASP!)
Cons
1)What's with the hair? Seriously. Did you fall into a vat of special effects hair dye or something? Perhaps Kool-Aid.
2)She professes a stellar ability at Doom. And? What is it 1993? So how many times can one person type "IDDQD" and "IDKFA" before they realize it's the year 2005? (perhaps even "IDBEHOLD"?)
3) She... um... smells? (WHISPERED: I don't really know her that well).
So there you have it. An objective opinion from an objective human. I think I summed up the core issues at heart in this election nicely. Though I frankly can't see either of them living up to the legacy of the current President, the band Guitar Wolf. But, I mean, it's damn near impossible to rock that hard, and with such vigor. Watch the movie Wild Zero if you doubt my word, which is law.
Ian " LOCK AND LOLL!!!" Frazier
(PS: Super Smash Brothers Melee is in every way, shape, and form, superior to it's predecessor. Just wanted it to be know.)
LOCK AND LOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
RIP BASS WOLF