I often feel like I'm old before my time... there's so many things about current culture that I just don't understand. For the sake of this blog, I'll refer to my younger self as "a child", even though many older members would disagree on account of the fact I'm a week shy of my 20th birthday.
-Skinny jeans.
I don't mean the ones that are slightly snug, or "skinny fit". I mean the ones that were obviously worn in the bath. The ones that are so tight, I'm amazed these people can fit their wallet in the pocket. Who needs clothing that constrictive? And how do they put them on in the morning? How do their feet fit through those tiny holes?
-Winklepickers.
There was a time when these were cool; it was called "the 50s." In modern times, they're just not. Often seen matched with the above "skinny jeans," contorting the wearer's lower half into roughly the same shape as Italy. I don't understand how anyone needs their shoes to arrive ten minutes before they do. YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
-Russell Brand and Noel Fielding.
Someone please explain the appeal/attraction of these people... it seems like every girl I speak to finds either of these 'men' (or both) incredily attractive. Is it that they're incredibly skinny? Is it the combination of the skinny jeans and the winklepickers? Is it the faux-gay personality? The strange haircut? The "just-got-out-of-bed" look that takes two hours in make-up to achieve? Is it the jokes stolen from other comedians, or the outbursts of something unrelated that earns the tag "random?" As it is planned, and often scripted, it is actually the polar opposite of the definition of the word "random." I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd started dressing and acting like these berks - I don't think their fathers hit them hard enough.
-The true definition of "indie."
What is "indie"? There was a time when it was a term applied to independent labels, or bands that were on independent labels distinct from the Big Four. It referred to a DIY attiitude, often with bands starting their own record labels to release their music. Now, it has evolved into something else. Indie no longer applies to a core set of ideologies - instead, it simply describes the music and (*shudder*) fashion associated with it. Brown leather jackets, messy hair, designer stubble... all hallmarks of indie fashion (one could argue that the modern day hipster subculture is a branch of this). The music is often bland - trying so hard to recreate the sound of something better that has gone before it, that it forgets how to write a good song.
-Playing bizarre instruments with a sense of irony.
A few months ago, I went to see Animal Collective. I'm not a fan of their recorded output, but some people who were couchsurfing with me convinced me to go with them. In all fairness, they're incredible live. However, the "support band" consisted of two complete fuckheads - one with a ukulele, one with a Casiotone. They sung a half-hour set of instantly forgettable songs in a Southern [English] accent, wore those stupid sunglasses popularised by Kanye West, and made no lasting impression on anyone in the audience. I love the ukulele - just play it. There's no irony. I get comments of "You play the uke? That's pretty cool!" which is fine, because it's an unusual instrument to play. However, that does not give you the license to be a cock about it - I know, I know, the guy in the guitar shop said it was much more obscure than the vintage Honda SG copy you were eyeing up afraid you got swindled.
-Music as an "entertainment industry".
Being in my second year of a Sound Technology degree in a performing arts university, I've seen every band I know of go down this route. Here's how it works; you put an advert on the wall for band members, you jam a few self-penned songs that sound like Bloc Party and you assign yourself a kooky name (plural words without a "The" in front of them are good, as are obscure extinct animals). Next, you get yourself out there on every social networking site in the world so that people can become a fan of you, follow you, add you to their friends, join your group, watch your channel, receive notifications when you post a new gig and so on. And there's the crux of it - gigs. I'd say a good 80% of these "bands" spend months in and out of the studios in LIPA, making "video diaries" and "twittering" every time they record a new bass part, or add some reverb to the chorus and taking twenty takes per part due to being totally unrehearsed. They do not meet up and jam, they do not play gigs, but to all intents and purposes they are a band. You can achieve a very high level of recognition without ever speaking to any of your "fans" face-to-face, without ever selling copies of your demo after a show, without never even having a single finished song! No-one ever jams with their friends in a garage for no reason other than the hell of it any more!!!
-iPhone owners.
Let me start by saying that I like the iPhone (and Apple products in general). It is (mostly) well thought-out, it has a lot of useful functions and combines many separate devices into one small, slimline gadget. The problem comes with the people who own them, and the "App Store." I find it truly astounding how many people rely on these things, and in turn make their lives a lot harder. For example, spending ten minutes waving your arms about and pacing back and forth, waiting for your iPhone to get GPS signal so that you can find out where you are in Google Maps, as opposed to just finding a street sign or asking someone. Pretty much everything on the adverts annoys me. "Need to work out how much tip to leave?" Work out what 10% is in your head, or however much you want to leave, then just round it up or down, you complete twat. "Putting up a shelf?" Then you will likely as not already have a drill, a hammer, a screwdriver, and most importantly, a spirit level. You don't need one on your iPhone too. Oh and hey, Chris, look at this... look, right... it's a little Casiotone on my iPhone! So I can, like... load it up and umm... wait... let me just... this isn't... yeah! Here we go! Now that's set up, I can play it just like a real one! If you don't know an iPhone user who constantly wants to show off their cool apps, you're a lucky person.
-Twitter.
It's not that I don't use it (I recently signed up), I just want someone to explain to me what the fuck its purpose is! It doesn't seem to do anything that Facebook can't do already.
-Total failure to grasp the English language.
In the main office of my student village last year, there was a large professionally-made sign on the wall that read: "Choose your acommodation and who you want to live with." Where do I even start?
-Skinny jeans.
I don't mean the ones that are slightly snug, or "skinny fit". I mean the ones that were obviously worn in the bath. The ones that are so tight, I'm amazed these people can fit their wallet in the pocket. Who needs clothing that constrictive? And how do they put them on in the morning? How do their feet fit through those tiny holes?
-Winklepickers.
There was a time when these were cool; it was called "the 50s." In modern times, they're just not. Often seen matched with the above "skinny jeans," contorting the wearer's lower half into roughly the same shape as Italy. I don't understand how anyone needs their shoes to arrive ten minutes before they do. YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
-Russell Brand and Noel Fielding.
Someone please explain the appeal/attraction of these people... it seems like every girl I speak to finds either of these 'men' (or both) incredily attractive. Is it that they're incredibly skinny? Is it the combination of the skinny jeans and the winklepickers? Is it the faux-gay personality? The strange haircut? The "just-got-out-of-bed" look that takes two hours in make-up to achieve? Is it the jokes stolen from other comedians, or the outbursts of something unrelated that earns the tag "random?" As it is planned, and often scripted, it is actually the polar opposite of the definition of the word "random." I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd started dressing and acting like these berks - I don't think their fathers hit them hard enough.
-The true definition of "indie."
What is "indie"? There was a time when it was a term applied to independent labels, or bands that were on independent labels distinct from the Big Four. It referred to a DIY attiitude, often with bands starting their own record labels to release their music. Now, it has evolved into something else. Indie no longer applies to a core set of ideologies - instead, it simply describes the music and (*shudder*) fashion associated with it. Brown leather jackets, messy hair, designer stubble... all hallmarks of indie fashion (one could argue that the modern day hipster subculture is a branch of this). The music is often bland - trying so hard to recreate the sound of something better that has gone before it, that it forgets how to write a good song.
-Playing bizarre instruments with a sense of irony.
A few months ago, I went to see Animal Collective. I'm not a fan of their recorded output, but some people who were couchsurfing with me convinced me to go with them. In all fairness, they're incredible live. However, the "support band" consisted of two complete fuckheads - one with a ukulele, one with a Casiotone. They sung a half-hour set of instantly forgettable songs in a Southern [English] accent, wore those stupid sunglasses popularised by Kanye West, and made no lasting impression on anyone in the audience. I love the ukulele - just play it. There's no irony. I get comments of "You play the uke? That's pretty cool!" which is fine, because it's an unusual instrument to play. However, that does not give you the license to be a cock about it - I know, I know, the guy in the guitar shop said it was much more obscure than the vintage Honda SG copy you were eyeing up afraid you got swindled.
-Music as an "entertainment industry".
Being in my second year of a Sound Technology degree in a performing arts university, I've seen every band I know of go down this route. Here's how it works; you put an advert on the wall for band members, you jam a few self-penned songs that sound like Bloc Party and you assign yourself a kooky name (plural words without a "The" in front of them are good, as are obscure extinct animals). Next, you get yourself out there on every social networking site in the world so that people can become a fan of you, follow you, add you to their friends, join your group, watch your channel, receive notifications when you post a new gig and so on. And there's the crux of it - gigs. I'd say a good 80% of these "bands" spend months in and out of the studios in LIPA, making "video diaries" and "twittering" every time they record a new bass part, or add some reverb to the chorus and taking twenty takes per part due to being totally unrehearsed. They do not meet up and jam, they do not play gigs, but to all intents and purposes they are a band. You can achieve a very high level of recognition without ever speaking to any of your "fans" face-to-face, without ever selling copies of your demo after a show, without never even having a single finished song! No-one ever jams with their friends in a garage for no reason other than the hell of it any more!!!
-iPhone owners.
Let me start by saying that I like the iPhone (and Apple products in general). It is (mostly) well thought-out, it has a lot of useful functions and combines many separate devices into one small, slimline gadget. The problem comes with the people who own them, and the "App Store." I find it truly astounding how many people rely on these things, and in turn make their lives a lot harder. For example, spending ten minutes waving your arms about and pacing back and forth, waiting for your iPhone to get GPS signal so that you can find out where you are in Google Maps, as opposed to just finding a street sign or asking someone. Pretty much everything on the adverts annoys me. "Need to work out how much tip to leave?" Work out what 10% is in your head, or however much you want to leave, then just round it up or down, you complete twat. "Putting up a shelf?" Then you will likely as not already have a drill, a hammer, a screwdriver, and most importantly, a spirit level. You don't need one on your iPhone too. Oh and hey, Chris, look at this... look, right... it's a little Casiotone on my iPhone! So I can, like... load it up and umm... wait... let me just... this isn't... yeah! Here we go! Now that's set up, I can play it just like a real one! If you don't know an iPhone user who constantly wants to show off their cool apps, you're a lucky person.
-Twitter.
It's not that I don't use it (I recently signed up), I just want someone to explain to me what the fuck its purpose is! It doesn't seem to do anything that Facebook can't do already.
-Total failure to grasp the English language.
In the main office of my student village last year, there was a large professionally-made sign on the wall that read: "Choose your acommodation and who you want to live with." Where do I even start?
it's like you just walked into my brain and observed what i HATE and put it all in a blog. well done.