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portiaatecoals

Hell, MT

Member Since 2005

Followers 175 Following 48

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Tuesday Aug 02, 2005

Aug 2, 2005
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This is my open apology.

I started off thinking that everyone in the world was against me. It put me into a depression that was unlike any other that I had experienced. I tried to commit suicide last week. I tried to take as many pills as possible, and then cut myself. It didn't turn out that way. A mix of the codine and the large amount of crying I had done previously put me into a numbed out state and then into a sleep. When I woke up the next morning I was sitting on my bed against the wall with the razor in my hand. I felt extremely sick to my stomach. I had to go to my internship that day... so I had to get up and get moving. I was instantly glad that I hadn't taken my life. And that maybe I could try to see the lighter side of things. I'm graduating soon.. and I'm going to be on my way.

I called you, to try to make things better today. We have talked little and seen eachother once since we feel apart which snowballed into this whole feeling. You told me things today, that really hurt me... but that I probably subconciously already knew. You made me realize, that you are selfish. That you really don't want to work through anything with me. The only reason you thought you'd show you cared is because I told you I tried to hurt myself. You don't want to remedy what was the cause of this hurt. You think that by just ignoring it and fixing it later will make everything ok, but then later complain that I keep bringing things up, when they were never resolved in the first place.

You made me realize something very important. I can't rely on anyone but myself. I'm the only one who knows all the work I've had to do myself. I'm the only one who's seen every side of it, and walked through every step. And I feel like I am owed something from you that you will never give. So I'm sorry. I will never be happy with what you give me. I will subconsiously act like it is never enough. I will never acknowledge the things you do for me, the way you want me too. I'm damaged inside. It's not you... because you have done enough. It has always been this way with people like you. In conclusion, the only problem can be me. I'm fucked up. I do.. need to seek help. I need to figure out why I'm just never satisfied. I'm the worst thing that could ever happen to you, or someone like you. I should have known from the beginning that it wouldn't just go away. No one will ever want to deal with my shit... no one will ever want to help me fix it.

I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you had potential at changing me, when you never had a chance. This goes further back than you. And maybe someday I won't feel like this anymore.

amy
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
padme:
You are better than you think others see you as.
Aug 4, 2005
hypoxian:
thanks for the friend request. I read your journal and have been there. You are right about many things. True strength and happiness comes from within. No one can give you these things. I wish you the best.
Aug 9, 2005

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