ive been back home a month now and im starting to slide back into old habits i had when i lived here before
ive lost 24 lbs since ive been back (1 month) which most people would be jumping for joy but i know its from habits and that its not healthy. i feel so much competition from my sister to be perfect that ive slipped back into my "rituals"
in the morning i only drink coffee no sugar and i dont eat again until night time where i force myself to eat a few apples and a little bag of carrots. i hide when i eat like its something bad, i jog the neighborhood 2 times a day while the exercise is good for me im only consuming 800 calories a day. i know its not right i know it but i feel like i dont deserve to eat that i dont deserve to be happy because being home i have to face the mistakes i made in Colorado. throwing away my relationship with "K" to get into an abusive relationship to the point where i had to run back home. whats messed up is that the only time my family said i looked good was when i was down to 99 lbs in high school. i want to be healthy and losing weight is good for me but not like this. why is it i know im doing something wrong but i cant stop myself if i eat more i feel guilty i feel bad and i have to exercise until i make myself sick. right now everyone is telling me how good i look and how i look so much better but i feel like inside im punishing myself for the same thing..i lost that person in 2009 and i still punish myself for it. i was stupid...but being home is both good and bad for me. everyone's saying how good i look now but what about a few months from now...what am i doing to my body. can my body handle going through this again. id be mortified if my family knew i was doing this again. i feel good then i feel bad, its like a cycle thats never ends. i was ok for the 6 years that i lived in colorado actually i became obese there. but now that im home im back to how i was, i really dont know if my family triggers it or not or if im just forced to face reality more here.
on a better note ill be going back to school on the 30th. i want to get a career a life of my own a home of my own. i just hope that i can get this problem together before i end up hurting my body more. i know what im doing i just dont know how to fix it
i look perfect on the outside but inside im just screaming
ive lost 24 lbs since ive been back (1 month) which most people would be jumping for joy but i know its from habits and that its not healthy. i feel so much competition from my sister to be perfect that ive slipped back into my "rituals"
in the morning i only drink coffee no sugar and i dont eat again until night time where i force myself to eat a few apples and a little bag of carrots. i hide when i eat like its something bad, i jog the neighborhood 2 times a day while the exercise is good for me im only consuming 800 calories a day. i know its not right i know it but i feel like i dont deserve to eat that i dont deserve to be happy because being home i have to face the mistakes i made in Colorado. throwing away my relationship with "K" to get into an abusive relationship to the point where i had to run back home. whats messed up is that the only time my family said i looked good was when i was down to 99 lbs in high school. i want to be healthy and losing weight is good for me but not like this. why is it i know im doing something wrong but i cant stop myself if i eat more i feel guilty i feel bad and i have to exercise until i make myself sick. right now everyone is telling me how good i look and how i look so much better but i feel like inside im punishing myself for the same thing..i lost that person in 2009 and i still punish myself for it. i was stupid...but being home is both good and bad for me. everyone's saying how good i look now but what about a few months from now...what am i doing to my body. can my body handle going through this again. id be mortified if my family knew i was doing this again. i feel good then i feel bad, its like a cycle thats never ends. i was ok for the 6 years that i lived in colorado actually i became obese there. but now that im home im back to how i was, i really dont know if my family triggers it or not or if im just forced to face reality more here.
on a better note ill be going back to school on the 30th. i want to get a career a life of my own a home of my own. i just hope that i can get this problem together before i end up hurting my body more. i know what im doing i just dont know how to fix it
i look perfect on the outside but inside im just screaming