poordelia

hmm so at work, i work with this really beautiful girl...her name's sarra and she's really skinny, nice features, she's really fashionable, and she's so pretty that guys she barely knows or used to date always bring her presents and food and call her at work constantly. and i'm not bitching or trying to sound jealous or anything, she is really pretty, and she's actually a pretty nice person. she trained me in just about everything at work. she can be incredibly bitchy and snarky when she's in a bad mood and sometimes i feel like she hates me, but when she's in a good mood, she's very nice.

ANYWAY. today i was working on shoes and we were talking about money and getting loans and stuff, and she was like "yeah, i want a $5,000 loan so i can get my boobs done." and i immediately perked up and was like "really??? me too!" and of course she was like "you really don't need to!" (everybody always says that.) but then i explained that i always wear padded bras, and i'm actually barely a b-cup. i said it was "so sad" and she laughed. i also said i wanted to wait until i lost weight to do it though, and how it was sad that i was a big girl and didn't have a big chest like almost every other big girl does. but then sarra said "you're not that big, though." then she laughed. "you're talking like you're humongous, or something." that really flattered me. my friends are always telling me i'm not fat, i'm "curvy" and that i'm too hard on myself, but i always figured they were just seeing me with rose-colored glasses because they're my friends and love me. but sarra saying that is a big deal because she's not the type of person to say things she doesn't mean, even to just be nice. if she thought i was fat, she'd say so.

i was flattered to think maybe i don't seem as fat to other people as i always do to myself, but it doesn't really make me feel any better about how i look. i don't necessarily feel ugly like i did growing up, i just feel so dumpy, so big, so flat-chested, so...plain.

i really don't understand myself. when i dissect things, the less i understand my own logic. i've had a very special boyfriend that loved me to death, worshipped me and treated me like a queen, bathed me in compliments every single day, completely revolved around me...and that was probably the most insecure i've ever been. well, no, i won't say that; i was most insecure with my last boyfriend who encouraged me to lose weight a lot and got mad at me when he saw me eating and idealized rail-thin girls with huge boobs. but still. i know whatever i have is an internal disease, and yet i feel it can be cured by working on the external. at this point in time, i am utterly convinced i would be a better, happier person if i weighed around 125 pounds and had d or dd breasts. even though i know that this doesn't add up.

i hate shallow men. absolutely loathe them. and yet...i feel as if i'm not a good enough person/woman because i don't appeal to them. what the fuck is this? it makes me fucking angry at myself, as a woman, as a feminist, that i care so much about what men think of me, and base my self-worth on what some stupid penis with eyes attached thinks of me. i'm not sure if it's true, but i feel that if i was like sarra, if boys looked at me all the time, asked me out a lot, just wanted to talk to me or be around me all the time, it would make me feel happier and more at peace with myself. how fucked up is that? ...i guess i didn't feel loved enough as a child, or whatever.

thinking about it, i'm really glad some pedophile didn't try to seduce me when i was a kid, cuz i'd have totally fallen for it. hook line and sinker. any person to come along and tell me i'm pretty and they admire me and like me and i'd have been theirs. actually, i'm still like that. practically anyone who has ever told me i'm pretty or that they like me, i've fucked. i'm like the easiest fucking girl in the world. i always get mad at stupid college/high school girls who have really low standards and fuck any douche bag that writes a song about her because he likes her tits, but in reality i think i see too much of myself in them. as long as the person was roughly around my age and even remotely attractive and not creepy, if they expressed any kind of physical interest in me whatsoever, i practically fall over and spread my legs. even if i was already in a relationship. it's something i've always hated about myself, but never wanted to go through the trouble of trying to probe it or understand it.

everyone wants to feel important, special, beautiful, popular. i've never felt those things, or if i have for an all too brief period of time. i'm starving to death for those things, but i think the hunger is actually geared toward something else. i want to change my looks, i want to fill this hole inside of me with men and flattery and attention and compliments and admiration and ass-kissing...but that's not what is really missing, or has been all along. i wonder what has? what vital need is really missing from my life that i'm trying to satiate in all these superficial ways? to this day, i still can't figure it out.